How the Narcissist Hits Rock Bottom (And What You Can Do to Deal)

How the Narcissist Hits Rock Bottom (And What You Can Do to Deal)

When it comes to people with narcissistic personality disorder, it seems like the only thing you can predict is unpredictability. What happens next when they hit rock bottom?

What can you expect? What can you do – and how can you deal with and overcome their treatment during this unpleasant narcissistic cycle?

If you’re currently involved with a narcissist or are about to get involved with one – you’ll want to hear this.

This video will give you all of the answers you need when it comes to recognizing, understanding, and overcoming the narcissist’s rock bottom moments.

What is narcissist rock bottom?

You might call a narcissist who has found rock bottom a collapsed narcissist. In general, narcissists hit rock bottom when they are able to no longer manipulate, exploit and abuse others. 

In other words, narcissist rock bottom is what happens when the narcissist finally realizes that their abusive behavior will not be tolerated any longer, that what they have done has gotten out of control, or that they’re about to lose everything.

Unfortunately, it is typically later rather than sooner. It can take many years of ongoing manipulation and abuse before they hit rock bottom. Often, it happens when their closest sources of narcissistic supply go away, whether by their own choice or otherwise.

Why do narcissists hit rock bottom? 

Narcissists crave power and control like an alcoholic craves their favorite drink. Narcissists NEED to have the people around them feeling weak and unempowered – this way, they’re malleable so that they’re easily controlled. 

But when these people walk away and stop doing what the narcissist wants before they’re ready for it, the narcissist’s biggest fears are realized. 

A narcissist’s lack of capacity for empathy and emotional depth, paired with a desperate need to feel validated and congratulated by others, will often result in their demise.

They will do just about anything to feel significant and special – so much so that they may lie, cheat and manipulate to get their own way.

So ironically it is their desperation for significance and validation which ultimately serves as the catalyst for their narcissist rock bottom. 

What scares a narcissist?

As often as a narcissist threatens, directly or indirectly, to abandon you, you’d think they were perfectly secure in their ability to remain surrounded by sources of narcissistic supply – as in, people who love, admire, and serve them as needed.

But the truth is that while abandonment is probably the most human fear one can have, narcissists aren’t immune.

In fact, if we’re being honest, they’re probably pretty normal this way.

With that being said, the difference between a narcissist’s fear of abandonment and that of the average person is that a narcissist will actively abuse and manipulate the people around them in order to control them and keep them in their place.

How do the narcissist’s fears coming true lead them to hit rock bottom? 

Fear of abandonment comes to fruition when you walk away from the narcissist. Now, don’t expect them to recognize this right away – but it’ll relieve some of the tension for them initially – even just the idea that they’ll be able to openly meet new people can be a huge thrill. 

At first, they will feel free and some version of happy – but then one day (maybe even the same day the relationship ends), they’ll remember something that you used to do for them, and they’ll want that back. 

If your resist (and I hope you do – read this about how to avoid the hoover maneuver), the narcissist attempts to navigate their remaining relationships – often not even personal ones, they grow frustrated and angry.

What does the narcissist experience at rock bottom?

You might think that when a narcissist hits rock bottom, they will finally see the light and realize how awful they truly have been – and you’d hope they’d be SO SORRY for this abusive behavior they’ve been serving up all these years.

As amazing as that would be, it’s rarely the case. Instead:

  • They will probably feel like their world has been turned upside down and they have no idea how to fix it.
  • They may become depressed and experience symptoms of anxiety-like panic attacks or insomnia.
  • They may also lash out at others for no reason at all.

Whatever happens, you can expect them to be acting extremely erratic and unpredictable as they expertly play the victim.

The Narcissist’s Backup Plan

Before the narcissist knows it, you’re off living in a totally cute place that’s a little too far to just drop in. And, you’ll have the nerve to want your privacy, which won’t be tolerated if they are still part of your life. 

Eventually, they begin to guilt and shame the few people who remain close to them, seemingly doing their very best to push your emotions aside. This, combined with a lack of narcissistic supply, culminates in the narcissist’s idea of actual hell. 

So, the moment any source of narcissistic supply refuses to comply with their wishes or orders, the narcissist has lost control of that person and therefore has no influence over them anymore.

And that’s one of the narcissist’s OTHER biggest fears: that they’re so insignificant that no one cares what they say, do, think, or feel. 

This right here is exactly what causes them to tend to need a backup ‘source of supply’ (since they can’t be alone), so they very often attempt preemptively replace a source of supply.

Unfortunately, it can be one of the most dangerous times for you. Because a narcissist who has hit rock bottom may feel as though they have nothing left to lose. They don’t even have the narcissistic supply they need to function – so their desperation can lead them to lash out.

The narcissist eventually hits rock bottom and they feel unbearable sadness, grief, or remorse because they can’t continue the way they are going anymore. In order to keep this grief or pain at bay, they will stoop to any level. 

The Narcissist’s Rock Bottom Patterns

When the narcissist finally hits rock bottom, there is a predictable pattern that emerges. This pattern is so predictable that it can be used as a roadmap for how to deal with the situation.

  • The narcissist’s life will begin to crumble under the weight of their own lies and deceit.
  • This collapse may occur because of something external like losing their job or a major financial setback or some other traumatic event in their life.
  • It could also happen because they have become so absorbed in their own self-image that they cannot see reality any longer – they live in a world of illusion created by their own ego which is beyond their control.
  • As they begin to realize that they are no longer able to maintain this illusion, they become increasingly agitated, depressed, and angry until they reach a point where there is nothing left but rage at themselves for being so stupid as to believe such obvious lies about themselves as well as rage at those who duped them into believing these lies were true.

Should you support a narcissist who is at or near rock bottom? 

Believe me, I get it – as an empath, you naturally want to support someone in pain, especially when it’s someone you love or loved so deeply.

But listen to me, don’t do it. Not this time. Hear me out.

As much as helping them would serve some codependent part of yourself, the narcissist is likely to cruelly reject your offers for help. This will make you feel rejected – again- and that’s going to do a real number on not only your self-esteem but also your psyche – triggering would be putting it mildly. 

Personally, I don’t think you owe them any of your time or support, but if you must give it to them, try giving them space and let them know when you’re available if they want to talk about anything (without pressure!).

Just because they’ve hit rock bottom doesn’t mean that things are going to change – not for long. 

In the end, you can only change yourself and your reactions to narcissistic abuse. You will never be able to control their actions.

However, the more you understand what makes the narcissist tick and how their behavior affects you, the better equipped you will be to deal with their antics when they come knocking at your door.

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Common Causes of Brain Fog in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Common Causes of Brain Fog in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

You’re feeling like it’s getting harder and harder to remember things. Maybe you have no idea where you put your keys, or if you already told your friend about a movie you watched.

As strange as memory loss sounds to people unfamiliar with brain fog, this is actually quite common among narcissist abuse victims.*

In fact, if you’ve ever experienced the ongoing abuse of a malignant narcissist in a toxic relationship, you’ve probably also experienced brain fog.

If you’re currently struggling with brain fog or any other symptom of C-PTSD, chances are that it’s at least in part due to the trauma the narcissistic abuser has caused you, and its symptoms are proof that you’re suffering from it.

What is “brain fog?”

Brain Fog is the feeling of dissociation or disconnectedness often experienced by victims of malignant narcissists during and after narcissistic abuse. Survivors describe it as feeling lost – like you’re not really there, or like you’re watching your life through a screen or a bubble.

The term is commonly used to describe short-term memory loss, forgetfulness, difficulty concentrating, confusion and difficulty thinking. Brain fog is a common symptom of C-PTSD, or complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

In other words, brain fog is exactly what it sounds like. A fog that clouds your thoughts, memory, comprehension, and judgment. See this video for more.

What happens to you when you have brain fog?

Brain fog can affect your sleep, professional life, and personal relationships, and lead to other health problems such as obesity. When you lack mental clarity, you make poor decisions and may take inappropriate actions.

If you suffer from brain fog, you are not alone. Brain fog affects roughly one out of every nine Americas during their lifetime. Some people also call brain fog mental fatigue.

How do you know if you’re dealing with brain fog?

If you aren’t sure whether you’ve felt brain fog, stick with me – it is a little confusing. For many people, it feels like you’re sort of “cloudy,” or like you’re not really participating in life.

You might feel like you’re sort of inside a bubble, or like there’s a thin barrier between you and everyone else. 

Learning the symptoms of brain fog can also help you to understand if and when you’re having episodes.

What are the symptoms of brain fog?

Check out the symptoms of brain fog below. Keep in mind the symptoms will vary from person to person but usually includes one or more of the following symptoms.

  •  Anxiety
  • Body aches
  • Confusion
  • Depression
  •  Emotional detachment
  •  Forgetfulness
  •  Headaches
  •  Inability to focus
  •  Insomnia
  •  Irritability
  •  Mood swings
  •  Lack of mental clarity
  • Low energy
  • Low motivation
  • Poor concentration

Why do we experience brain fog in narcissistic abuse?

Before I get emails and texts from people telling me that brain fog is only about narcissistic abuse, I’ll remind you that I’m well aware that it can also manifest for countess other reasons. Learn more about brain fog in this video,

Common Causes of Brain Fog and What You Can Do to Alleviate Them

Brain fog can be part of many issues, conditions, and illnesses. Here are four common causes of brain fog and what you can do about them. These issues can be affected by or even caused by long-term and ongoing narcissistic abuse.

Inflammation and Hormone Imbalances

Poor diet and exercise routines can lead to poor nutrition and vitamin levels that cause inflammation. Inflammation is by far the number one culprit of many diseases and symptoms. It restricts oxygen and blood flow needed for your brain to function at its best.

Consult your physician and request a complete blood count if you suffer from brain fog. In addition, low blood levels of vitamins such as D, B12, and iron can cause inflammation, lack of mental clarity, and difficulty focusing.

Stress and Anxiety

Oxidative stress or free radicals caused by environmental stressors such as pollution and heavy metals damage your cells and tissues.

These free radicals are responsible for many symptoms of stress and anxiety worldwide.

Vitamin E, flavonoids, and polyphenols are great resources to combat these free radicals. Chili peppers, whole grains, red wine, and fruits and vegetables are a few examples.

Poor Sleeping Habits

If you aren’t sleeping soundly and wake up feeling tired, you may have one or more sleep habits that are inhibiting a good night’s rest. For instance, you may be a night owl, suffer from sleep apnea or insomnia, have a varied sleep pattern, or have a poor sleep environment.

All of these can contribute to brain fog.

As an adult between 17 to 64 years old, your body needs seven to nine hours of sleep each night to give your body time to repair itself on a cellular level.

In advanced cases, such as sleep abuse related to narcissistic abuse, sleep deprivation can cause mood swings, depression, and even permanent brain damage due to constant overstimulation.

Electromagnetic Radiation and Overstimulation

Smartphones, personal computers, or any technology that requires radio waves, microwaves, infrared, optical, ultraviolet, x-rays, or gamma rays will cause problems when they are overused.

In other words, scrolling on social media or spending too much time in front of the television can cause strain on your eyes and affect your sleep patterns, ultimately leading to brain fog. Therefore, limiting time spent on or with technology is crucial.

Takeaway

Don’t let brain fog get in the way of living a successful, happy life. Many causes of brain fog can leave you with lifelong or permanent damage. Try these solutions with the consent of your doctor.

Be sure to seek the help of a physician or other medical professional to find the underlying cause of brain fog if you have it. 

*Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. Nothing in this article or on this website should be taken as medical advice. Always check with your doctor or medical professional before attempting to use any advice found here or anywhere on the internet. 

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Twin Flame Vs. Narcissist: What’s the Difference?

Twin Flame Vs. Narcissist: What’s the Difference?

Find Sydney V. Smith, Light Worker & Twin Flame Expert on Instagram!

So you’re wondering what the difference is between a twin flame and a narcissist? That’s understandable. A narcissist can masquerade as a twin flame, so it makes sense that you’d be wondering who you might be dealing with – especially when you’ve dealt with narcissistic abuse in a toxic relationship.

My name is Sydney V. Smith, and I’m a lightworker and a twin-flame expert. That’s how I can confidently tell you that if you are dealing with what seems like an overly-controlling partner, you aren’t dating someone who could be your twin flame. Check out the video below for an understanding of the difference between a narcissist and a twin flame.

 

What is a narcissist?

A narcissist is someone with a very specific personality disorder (NPD) that leads to an inflated sense of self-esteem and a diminished capacity for empathy and compassion. Narcissists are often manipulative and controlling, as well as emotionally abusive.

What is a twin flame?

Your twin flame is your true spiritual partner, the one you have been waiting for your entire life. A twin flame is an incredibly intense soul connection. When a soul is created, it is split into two parts. Mirrors of each other, constantly yearning to connect. Even when you least expect it, this can result in an instant, powerful connection when you meet your twin flame. There’s little scientific evidence for twin flame relationships, although some psychologists argue the phenomenon is real.

The purpose of a twin flame relationship is to awaken you to your untapped potential and ignite a fire deep inside you. This relationship pushes you to do and be better. Opening up a world of possibilities you never even dreamed of.

Please keep in mind that finding a twin flame isn’t easy. Some never even find their twin within this lifetime! With that being said, it’s really easy to label a new partner as a “twin flame,” just when you think things are going well. Before all the problems start showing.

Are twin flames the same as soulmates and twin souls?

Twin flames are often confused with “soul mates” and “twin souls.” These terms do not mean the same thing as “twin flame.” A soul mate might be someone that you have had many lifetimes with, but that does not mean you were meant to be together romantically in this lifetime. In fact, the majority of soul mates do not experience an intimate relationship together in this lifetime.

What’s the difference between soul mates and twin flames?

Unlike soul mates, twin flames are not necessarily romantic partners. They may be our parents or children, or they may be so young that we don’t yet recognize the relationship.

Twins are intense teachers, showing us what we need to work on in ourselves. You can bet that your twin flame will challenge you like no one else ever has!

The most important lesson twin flames teach us is unconditional love. Twins show us how to grow beyond our ego-based selves and into our higher selves. They’re here to help us remember who we are as spiritual beings having human experiences.

What is a true twin flame relationship like?

Twin flame relationships are intense, and it’s not unusual for them to start with a sudden and powerful connection. They’re also highly emotional, thanks to the deep spiritual connection between twins.

While twin flames can have close emotional bonds, they can also be quite distant from each other. Some of these relationships never become physical, and some end in heartbreak or betrayal. Twin flames don’t need words to communicate — their spirits are connected.

What are the signs of a twin flame relationship?

When things seem too good to be true they often are, but in this case, they’re not. However, a true twin flame relationship is not a relationship that is all roses and rainbows 24/7. It is a higher calling, and for it to work, both the twins need to be willing to do the inner work. The challenge is not with the other person but with oneself. Here are the defining traits of a true twin flame relationship:

The twin flame relationship is all-consuming.

The twin flame connection is instant and so strong that it can be overwhelming at times.  It is an instant, instinctive and undeniable soul connection that transcends the physical.

  • It starts with a sudden connection.
  • You feel like you have known them before
  • You feel like you can communicate without having to speak
  • This can be a tumultuous relationship at times but it will bring extreme joy and happiness as well.
  • A strong sense of spiritual connection is present from the start.

The twin flame mirrors you.

They mirror your own personality and issues back to you (which is why many people run from their true twin flame. They don’t want to face their own reflection!) Your soul starts awakening as soon as you meet your twin flame even if you never make contact with them in this lifetime.

  • You feel like you can see into each other’s souls
  • A deep, telepathic knowing of one another.
  • Intense emotions come with the territory.
  • The feeling that you’ve known each other for many lifetimes.
  • You have an intense desire to help each other evolve and grow spiritually.

The relationship feels like a homecoming.

There’s an instant feeling of familiarity. Twin flames complete each other on a soul level, which is why the relationship feels so comfortable and familiar, even though you may have never met before.

There is an unspoken understanding of one another on the deepest level that only your souls can truly describe. You’re able to be completely honest with each other and share anything without fear of judgment or being misunderstood.

Romantic twin flames are friends first and lovers second.

Twin flames have a strong sense of purpose to their lives individually and together, so they often have other priorities besides just being “the one” for each other romantically.

There is a camaraderie and friendship that builds over time as you go through life together as companions, partners in crime, best friends, and loves.

The relationship has ups and downs, but you’re always drawn back to each other.

You can’t stop thinking about them or missing them when they’re not around, even if it’s only been a few hours since you last saw each other, this is especially true of the twin flame runner dynamic where one person will run from the relationship due to the intensity of the connection and the need for personal growth before he/she can be with his/her twin in union (twin flames unite on a soul level first before they unite in a physical incarnation).

You feel an overwhelming sense of spiritual oneness with each other, as if your souls were merging together when you’re together and when you’re apart, you can still sense each other’s energy and presence in a way that feels both familiar and deeply nurturing to your soul.

What is a false twin flame?

There is something called a “false twin flame,” which is sadly more common than a true twin flame. These fake twin flame relationships can often be found in toxic narcissistic relationships.

In these cases, the narcissist will pretend to be your soulmate and they will project a false persona. They will pretend to be everything you’ve ever wanted in order to get what they want from you, which is typically status, sex, or money – also known as narcissistic supply.

Sometimes the narcissist won’t even realize that they’re doing this, as they may have been taught to act this way by their parents who were also toxic.

The narcissist will lure you in with compliments and love-bombing, but eventually, you’ll see that it was all an act. They want you to think they are your twin flame which is the very definition of the term.

How can you tell the difference between a twin flame and a malignant narcissist in a relationship?

The beginning of both twin flame and narcissist relationships can be beautiful. This is why it’s important to know the difference. A narcissist pretending to be your twin flame will say anything to keep you believing them. They’ll say they are exactly the person you are looking for, but you’ll notice their actions say otherwise.

While it is true that narcissism exists on the same spectrum of unhealthy attachments to spirit – and is often confused for a twin flame connection – it is not the same thing.

The Narcissist

The malignant narcissist is someone whose ego has become so inflated that they see their own reflection in everything around them, and everyone else as an inferior extension of themselves. They are constantly seeking validation from others and are unable to give it to themselves. They have boundless energy when they connect with someone they feel they can feed off, but they also have almost no empathy for others. As a result, they cannot form real connections with others because they are not bonding with another person, but instead are trying to fill up their own empty space by projecting themselves onto other people and getting what they want from them. A narcissist is someone who has a deep sense of insecurity and low self-esteem that uses grandiosity to cover their pain. Narcissists have a hard time empathizing with others, but even then their needs come first. They struggle to form real relationships and live in a fantasy world where they are above everyone else.

The Twin Flame

On the other hand, a twin flame partner reflects your greatest light back to you – but not in an egotistical way. A twin flame relationship can be intense because it forces us to look at ourselves and our patterns more deeply than we ever have before. It makes us feel vulnerable and exposed but also gives us the opportunity to heal.

A true twin flame will have no problem committing to you. Once you’ve reached the union phase of the twin flame journey. You’ll know exactly where you stand with them. With no game playing or confusion! A narcissist on the other hand will never fully commit to just one person.

A twin flame is someone who comes into our lives to help us evolve spiritually. With them, we experience deep love, passion, intimacy, companionship, unconditional love, and true friendship. They encourage us to become the best versions of ourselves and mirror our deepest desires.

What are the similarities between twin flame love and narcissistic love?

There are lots of similarities between twin flame love and narcissistic love, including the following.

  • The instant connection of a twin flame can feel similar to the euphoric love feeling of a narcissistic relationship feels during the love bomb phases. This is why it’s important to not ignore these red flags and know the difference – so that you don’t end up falling into the abusive cycle of a narcissist, thinking they are your twin flame. 
  • In both relationships, there will be moments when you feel more deeply connected than ever before.
  • There will also be times when you question your sanity.
  • Both relationships will lead you to incredible levels of personal development, in very different ways. 

How do you find your true twin flame?

If you are looking to draw in your true twin flame the best way is through inner work and self-love. After all, no union can be achieved unless the work is done first.

Twin flame love is all about self-improvement.

So if you need help with that, I suggest meditation, self-reflection, self-love, and manifestation tools.

With Valentine’s Day around the corner…some are looking for love and some already have it. Don’t be too discouraged If you don’t have a Valentine this year. It’s the perfect time to work on things like self-love, which is the most important kind of love. Also, a powerful tool that helps you to draw in more love. For a new partner or a twin flame. A term that’s picked up momentum the past few years. Different from a soul mate.

A useful tool I have for this is a twin flame candle I designed for drawing in your twin flame. Infused with special crystals to help you manifest more powerfully. With rose quartz crystals for friendship and love, along with Carnelian and red jasper for sexual energy and excitement. The way to use this candle is to set your intentions each time you use it. Recharging it each time. Even comes with a prayer for invoking and drawing in your twin flame. Candles in general are a very useful tool for manifesting.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

How do narcissists see marriage?

How do narcissists see marriage?

Narcissists seem to have an unusual perspective about marriage, probably because of their own childhood trauma. They don’t see marriage in the romantic or long-term sense, but rather as a contract: a deal, a trade, and an arrangement between two partners.


What do narcissists think about marriage and why do they get married?

It’s no secret that narcissists, as a rule, have a tendency to be incapable of fulfilling the role of a decent marital partner. And, we can probably agree that people with NPD aren’t going to change overnight – if at all. But this is precisely why they wind up in relationships where their character flaws are not so much manifest as they are magnified.

So why do they even bother getting married if they’re only going to fail miserably in their spousal role? Stick with me, and I’ll fill you in on the psychology of why narcissists get married and what it means for you. But first, let’s define what I mean by “narcissist.”

What is a narcissist?

A narcissist is a person who may have a diagnosed Cluster B personality disorder who demonstrates a grandiose, overblown sense of self-importance and marked lack of compassion and emotional empathy. Narcissists need to feel that they are superior to everyone else.

In other words, narcissists are identifiable by their marked lack of compassion and emotional empathy, which leads to the noticeable inability or unwillingness to recognize or identify with anyone else’s feelings and needs – especially those closest to them, since that’s the only time they actually relax enough to let their “mask slip,” as in revealing their true selves.

Pathological narcissists are manipulative, egotistical, and controlling when it comes to life and sadly, this includes their marriages and families. Still, they’re human, right? So you’d assume that, like the rest of the population, they get married for love, companionship, or to meet some societal expectation. But what’s the truth about narcissists and marriage?

Why do narcissists get married?

Narcissists need other people as much as everyone else does. But narcissists prefer to have relationships that are one-sided, and it’s not so hard to see why – narcissists need to be the center of attention and always seek admiration and adoration from other people.

While narcissists can be cold-hearted and cruel to their partners in their relationships, there is also something alluring about relationships in general. They might not even realize it because it’s subconscious, but they shape their lives to meet the needs of that ideal “special someone,” at least at the beginning of their typical toxic relationship cycle.

Do narcissists intend to hurt you when they marry you?

One of the biggest questions I’ve heard from narcissistic abuse recovery coaching clients is this: did the narcissist marry me just to hurt me? The truth is that while there are some narcissistic sociopaths and psychopaths who might literally get married for the purpose of hurting their spouses in some way, the majority of them might (at some point) genuinely believe they married you because they loved you. Of course, you have to consider the narcissist’s definition of love. That’s why, when you find out that you’ve been dealing with a narcissist, your mind is completely blown; it’s why you are having such a hard time believing that the narcissist has been fooling you into thinking you were the problem this whole time.

The narcissist has gaslighted you into doubting your entire reality. This is both shocking and infuriating once you start to realize what it all means. 

Did the narcissist ever really love you?

You’ve got to consider that while narcissists are known to love…differently than most of us, we know they can experience what might, in the moment, actually feel like genuine feelings of love to them. Narcissists seem to have a painfully misunderstood and misdirected need for love. Like every other human, they crave connection, and they need people in order to feel secure and remain functional. But rather than get security through love, genuine connection, or the narcissist feels they need to claim it, control it, take it for themselves.

What made them become a narcissist?

Trauma, often beginning in childhood, seems to lead people to become narcissistic. Narcissists develop their personality disorders like anyone else – the majority have been deeply affected by the events in their lives. For a small percentage of narcissists, there are “other” kinds of causes for pathological narcissism, but for most, it all started with something traumatic that happened to them during their childhood. Their trauma has just manifested differently than ours.

Consider the narcissist’s definition of love.

They are taught early in life that they’re pathologically and painfully alone in the world. So, love feels like a sense of ownership and control, all focused on the facilitation of their own needs and comforts. From my own observations, they seem to lack the natural urge for full reciprocation in a relationship and feel instead entitled to the approval, admiration, service, and subservience of their closest sources of narcissistic supply. 

Narcissists, underneath it all, are human.

They, like all of us, want to be loved and accepted and to belong somewhere. But deep down, they are well-aware of their flaws, at least on a subconscious level. This leads them to believe that they’re broken, flawed, or otherwise not good enough. Just like you and me, they also often suffered trauma that destroyed the person they might have been – but while you may have become a people-pleasing codependent, the same kinds of trauma might have led to their personality disorder.

If we take a closer look at the lives of these toxic people, we can see that they’ve got some things in common. For one, their role models and parental figures in childhood were often selfish and hurtful. They were either exploited by others or neglected in favor of the other parent. This childhood experience leaves them with deep emotional wounds, which make them feel unloved and unworthy.

How do narcissists see marriage?

Based on what we know so far about narcissists and marriage, consider the following.

1. A source of narcissistic supply.

The narcissist sees marriage as a too; they treat their partners as subjects… objects, really…and they seem to intrinsically believe that these partners are not significant beyond their utility to serve narcissistic needs. In other words, whether they realize it or not, marriage for most narcissists holds one main goal: to obtain and secure an always-available source of narcissistic supply.

Think about it. Malignant narcissism, or pathological narcissism, involves a group of personality traits including grandiosity, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration. They can develop a pattern of exploiting other people in order to get what they want. When you are looking for a partner with whom they will live the rest of your life might find some narcissists that seem initially appealing.

2. An extension of self.

A narcissist does not see their partner as a separate person, rather an extension of themselves. There is a point at which it becomes unhealthy – and that’s the point at which narcissists operate. Even if they seem to love their partners, they expect them to act as extensions, not really separate people.

3. An in-house ego booster.

The idea of seeing a therapist or even a doctor might seem foreign or off-putting to a narcissist who finds the idea of sharing secrets with another person for advice to be tricky. Though it can be a challenge to recognize, most narcissists struggle with low self-esteem and a poor sense of identity. Being in a marriage makes them feel valuable when they allow others to see them as valuable by loving them.

4. An emotional garbage dumpster for their self-loathing.

While they desperately cling to the idea that no one is quite like them, and like they’re the original, only, best, or true (fill in the blank with their grandiose fantasies) around, narcissists secretly live in the deep sludge that is self-loathing. In other words, they secretly hate who they are at the very core. So they spend a lot of time building up this false self-image that on some level, they even actually believe.

5. A built-in source of false image support.

The narcissist develops an image based on their false self, or the mask they wear to hide their perceived inadequacies from most people in their lives. This image must remain infallible to everyone outside of a select few when it comes to survival for a narcissist. So they need someone who will always be on their team and support their false self-image, while also being an emotional garbage dumpster to turn your life upside down.

6. Validation on tap.

Since they cannot self-validate, narcissists require constant validation to feel better about themselves. Relationships allow them to feel special and important. Having a properly-conditioned partner in place, they have found a way to get validation whenever they need it.

Do all narcissists get married? 

No, not all narcissists get married. Not every narcissist desires or searches out relationships at all. Like all sentient humans, while they do seem to have a playbook, narcissists are still relatively unique individual people with specific lives. So, whether they even want to be in a relationship always depends on the nature of the narcissist. Some are solitary, some are attracted to power. To be fair, most are both, at least in their own individual ways.

Why do married narcissists cheat on their partners?

Narcissists are avoidants by nature, preferring to take their distance from others, rather than getting close to them. That also means that they have problems with intimacy, that is being close physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually to another person. Narcissists have a unique ability to take just about any situation and find a way to benefit from it. One of these situations is an affair.

One of the most disproportionately high personality disorders to find itself involved in extramarital affairs is narcissism. While statistics vary, it’s often said that between 20-33% of individuals who are involved in affairs are narcissists. That’s not to say that one-fifth of all people who cheat are narcissists (we wouldn’t want to make generalizations like that!), but it does seem to indicate that if you’ve got a narcissist in your midst, there’s a chance they could be cheating on you.

People with severe personality disorders often find themselves in relationship after relationship, cheating whenever something threatens their self-image, and fear of abandonment. Narcissists cheat because they feel entitled to do so and they can’t handle someone calling them out on that behavior.

Though many marriages are based on codependency, you should never feel like you need to act like someone’s mother or father.

Yes, narcissists DO get married, but…

Some people think that narcissists don’t get married at all. I guess that in some ways, this can be considered true; but in reality, narcissists don’t get married for the same reasons as everyone else.   They won’t marry for the same reasons everyone else gets married. Narcissists see marriage differently than most people. To start with, they don’t really know what marriage is supposed to be.

For example, maybe they didn’t have the privilege of growing up in a family where the parents stayed married to each other. Or their parents stayed married, but they didn’t see their parents demonstrating selfless love for each other, for themselves, and others. So when they get married at some point in life, it has little or no meaning to them. They certainly might become obsessed with their marriage; but only because it gives them something that gives them narcissistic supply. Something that makes them feel powerful and important, or if this isn’t possible – needed.

Are you married to a narcissist? Take this toxic relationship self-assessment to find out and get insight into your emotions.

Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today

Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.

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