We recently talked about how to deal with feeling obsessed with the narcissist, even after the relationship ends. But what do you do when you’re dealing with a narcissist who is obsessed with you? And why would that even be the case? Why would a narcissist remain obsessed with you even if they’ve discarded you? Certainly, it would make more sense if you were the one who ended the relationship, but even then, how long does it go on and why does the narcissist stay so obsessed with you? Well, let’s talk about it.
After you have been discarded by the narcissist or you did that to them and went no contact, you will very often notice that they are still quite obsessed with you. As I said, it would be more understandable that they would not be able to stop thinking about you after you go no contact with them.
Why is the Narcissist Obsessed With You?
So, first, let’s talk about the why of it all. If we were to assume that narcissists are regular humans, it might look like this.
Let’s say you had a friend who ghosted you and blocked your number and contact information out of the blue. You had no idea what happened, and there was no trace of them to be seen again. Most likely, you would not be able to stop thinking about what they did. You would be quite hurt and confused. That is why it would be understandable for the narcissist to still be obsessed after you go no contact if the narcissist could be considered a regular human.
But let’s say that same friend who randomly discarded you were to also become obsessed with you at the same time. Why would they be obsessed with you if they were the ones to discard you? It was their choice to cut all ties. Why would they still care about you at all?
Well, narcissists don’t care about anyone else the same way that you or any regular person would because they lack emotional empathy and compassion. But there is one reason that narcissists are still obsessed with you, even they are the ones to discard you.
It All Boils Down To The Narcissistic Supply You Provide
The narcissist is still obsessed with you because as they see it, you are still a source of narcissistic supply,. despite what it may seem in the moment. They will take any type of supply they can get, so long as it feeds their ego – whether it is positive or negative. The positive would be them getting praise or getting what they want, and the negative would you be getting angry and emotional with them. The supply could even be neutral such as you being there in their life alone. They need it and you have proven to be an ideal source.
The sad truth is that this is exactly why the narcissist is obsessed with you.
One thing to remember is that everyone wants to be noticed, loved, and heard, and validated. Whenever anyone dismisses your pain and suffering or amazing accomplishments, that hurts and you would understandably be upset. But narcissists crave all of that all of the time – 24/7. You as a non-narcissist only want those things when there is a good reason for it but don’t demand it because you might be secure enough to know that you are noticed and cared for under normal circumstances. The narcissist is not.
So, when you are in a relationship with a narcissist, there are three phases that you go through with them. The first phase is the love-bombing phase where you are showered with “fake” love, which makes you believe the narcissist is someone from heaven. The next phase is when they devalue you where you begin to see their true colors, and they are cruel and condescending to you. The last phase is when they discard you. And all of these phases can happen at the same time throughout the relationship. All of these phases that you go through with the narcissist provides them with the supply they need.
If they don’t get their fill pf narcissistic supply, it is like you not going with food or water for days. It is very threatening to them You are just that perfect source of supply. Even if they discard you and just leave you out of the blue to go for another source of narcissistic supply, you are still an option for them when they need you again – at least as far as they’re concerned.
Bottom line? The narcissist isn’t obsessed with you in a way where they would truly miss you the same way you would miss someone else. They are obsessed with the narcissistic supply you provide. And you going no contact is the biggest threat to their ability to hold on to the potential supply you could offer in the future. In other words – it’s all about what you can do for the narcissist, not who you are or what you’re about.
Let me tell you something. This may or may not surprise you, but I absolutely LOVE it when people underestimate me. I know it seems counterintuitive – and I didn’t always feel this way. For a lot of my life, I felt offended and upset by people who chronically underestimated me. But one day, I recognized a powerful fact: if someone underestimates you, it actually offers you a rather significant advantage. If they think you’re not capable of something and you do it anyway, there is far less resistance involved, if that makes sense. And, if you’re anything like me, you might even take a bit of pleasure (not to mention some much-needed motivation) in proving them wrong.
With that being said, you and I both know that probably the most likely person in your life to underestimate you is the narcissist in your life. In fact, if you ask me, their consistent need to underestimate us is one of their biggest weaknesses. Not only does underestimating us leave them vulnerable in certain ways, but it also gives them a certain amount of overconfidence in themselves.
Could it be unethical to allow them to underestimate you and not tell them you see right through them? While some people will disagree with me, I’d say absolutely not – and here’s why.
Why Narcissists Underestimate You
Narcissists underestimate you for many reasons – the most frustrating being that they don’t truly see you for who and what you are. Seriously. So let’s talk about that.
The one thing to always remember when it comes to a narcissist is that they are only looking out for one thing from you – what you can do for them, or the narcissistic supply that you can offer.
When you’re in a relationship of any type with a narcissist, you become a source of narcissistic supply. Whether they are a partner or spouse, a family member, friend, or coworker, narcissists aren’t capable of really, genuinely caring about you and who you are. They are not able to form healthy bonds with you, in part because they completely lack true empathy. This leads them to see you as a target or an object instead of a whole person. At best, they’ll see you as an extension of themselves.
As such, they see you as “less of a person” than they see themselves and they believe that they can treat any way that they want. That means they can cheat on you, lie to you, gaslight you, manipulate and abuse you in any way or form – without remorse. They don’t feel bad about it and they never admit to what they’re doing unless it somehow benefits them to do so. And, if you’re ever lucky enough to get an apology from a narcissist, you’ve got to know that they have some ulterior motive. They want something from you or they’re doing it to get a certain result – not because they’re actually sorry.
So, in other words, narcissists are likely to underestimate you because they, themselves are limited people. It’s almost ironic when you think about how narcissists project their own limitations on to you. They are notoriously over-confident (on the outside, anyway) and are known to overestimate their own intelligence and abilities in general. However, deep down, some part of them secretly doubts who they claim to be – and often, this is an accurate doubt as that same deep down part of them knows they’re putting on a show. They will assume the same about you and everyone else. And let’s not forget the whole “black and white thinking” thing that narcissists have going on. Since there are no “gray areas” for a narcissist, they assume that your reaction (or lack thereof) to their little games, not to mention their blatant gaslighting and other forms of manipulation, must mean you have your own limitations. And of course, you do – we all have limitations. But they underestimate you by overestimating your limitations. This is exacerbated because the narcissist sees you as less than them and see themselves as better than you.
How Narcissists Underestimate You
Narcissists Underestimate Your Intelligence
This is probably the most common way narcissists underestimate you. They think they can pull the wool over your eyes and that you’ll believe whatever they say or pretend because you’re not smart enough to see through it. Contrary to popular belief, though, narcissists aren’t actually likely to end up with someone who is anything less than intelligent. They are so focused on how other people see them that they’re highly likely to choose someone who is intelligent, attractive, and who makes them look good. But after the idealization or love bombing phase ends, the narcissist sort of “forgets” this part. Rather than focusing on the good qualities you have, as they did during idealization, when they get to the devalue phase, they’ll be focused only on what they deem your bad qualities – or what they see as being “wrong with you.”
Narcissists Underestimate Your Strength
Narcissists need to see you as weak, at least once they get past that idealization phase of the relationship. They need to think of you as dependent and incapable of surviving without them in some way. This is, in part, a form of psychological projection, because despite the fact that they may be supporting you in some way (financially, for example), the narcissist needs your supply to feel normal. And if you were to suddenly display your true strength and stop feeding the endless hole that is their ego, the narcissist would kind of lose it! They would, in most cases, quickly scramble for alternate sources of narcissistic supply (if they haven’t already got them in place). Without it the narcissist is weak and feels lost. Here’s the thing, though. You and I both know that being in a relationship of any kind with a narcissist takes more strength than most people know. Don’t let them fool you into thinking you’re anything but powerful.
Narcissists Underestimate Your Ability to See Right Through Them
When you catch a narcissist in a lie, they will automatically assume they can keep up the charade. This is true even when you can provide them with clear-cut evidence of the lie. Even then, the narcissist will dismiss you and the evidence that you provide.
Examples of Narcissists Underestimating People
A good example of this comes from that Shaggy song called “It Wasn’t Me.”
The song tells the story of a guy who goes knocking on his friend’s door looking for advice. The apparent issue he’s struggling with is that his girlfriend caught him in the act with another woman. His so-called friend advises him to deny what happened and say it wasn’t him. When he explains to the friend that she physically saw him in the act, the friend tells him to keep denying the facts. At the end of the song, the guy decides to admit the truth and apologize – which proves that he’s not a narcissist.
But his friend might be one. Because, in my opinion, the advice he’s offering is literally telling him to gaslight the woman – literally to deny that she saw what she saw. This is of course blatant gaslighting.
Another way to look at it? The kid who sneaks into the cookie jar and consumes an unauthorized cookie or two. When they’re confronted by their mother, they deny having eaten the cookies, despite the fact that the evidence is all over their face – literally. Obviously, mom knows what happened, despite their insistence that they didn’t do it.
The same goes for a narcissist who is lying to you. They can get a little sloppy because they are underestimating you. They aren’t thinking about the fact that you know them, and that, if we’re being honest, their mannerisms, body language, lack of eye contact, and so on totally gives them away. Even when they’ve relied on your intuition in the past, they will forget that part, or continue to underestimate you because they’re overestimating themselves.
Your Empathy is Your Super-Power
Whether we like to admit it or not, before we’re fully awake to what the narcissist is, they can be really skilled at manipulating you. This along with your natural human fear of abandonment, combined with the inevitable trauma bond you’ll experience in any toxic or abusive relationship, leads the narcissist to think they can control you and continue to consume the supply you provide them indefinitely.
But the one thing that they fail to get is that because you have a superpower that they didn’t count on: empathy, emotional and compassionate empathy. While narcissists are capable of cognitive empathy (as in, they can understand on an intellectual level how someone might feel in any given situation), they do not have emotional or compassionate empathy. So while for you, it is automatic to sort of “get” how someone feels, for the narcissist, it is not. They have to stop and think about it – and often, especially when they’re trying to actively lie to you or pull the wool over your eyes in any way, they’re not thinking about how you might feel.
And because they underestimate you, they don’t understand that your ability to read people, your knowledge of them personally, all combined with your own intelligence and natural intuition will tell you that they are lying.
Why You Should Keep Letting the Narcissist Underestimate You
My advice on this situation will be unpopular, but I say do not bother trying to prove yourself to a toxic narcissist. In fact, if I were you, I’d LEAN INTO IT! That’s right. Go ahead and let the narcissist continue to underestimate you. Let them think they have control. This will give you an advantage if and when you are forced to deal with them, in every situation. As they say, being underestimated is one of the biggest competitive advantages you can have. And it truly is.
Remember too that the narcissist will also underestimate that your ability and power to heal. They will underestimate that you have the power to learn about and understand what is happening between the two of you, as well as the fact that you can look at yourself honestly and figure out what causes you to end up in relationships with people like them. This is way outside of the narcissist’s own ability, as they cannot acknowledge or admit that they might lack in any particular area.
Here is the thing. The narcissist’s lack of self-awareness, along with their grandiose delusions, lead to their ridiculously fragmented sense of who they are – and this false self that needs to believe it is superior to everyone else, including but not limited to you, is actually the narcissist’s greatest weakness.
For you, this means the narcissist will never see it coming when you decide to take your life back. They won’t know what to do if you leave, and they’ll never expect you to follow through and go no contact or low contact.
Keep Shining, Just Like You Always Do
You know what I want for you, right? I want you to keep on shining as you do. Imagine looking up into the sky and catching a glimpse of the sun through the clouds when you least expect it. You’re blinded for a moment, and you can’t see much outside of light (and maybe a few spots) for a few seconds, right?
Well, I want you to consider yourself the sun here – and the clouds, the narcissist’s delusion. Once the clouds clear, you’ll be seen in all your full glory. But even though the clouds might obstruct your light temporarily, your light can still shine brightly from behind them. And when those clouds do clear, you’ll gain clarity – and you’ll know for sure that you are in fact the light. You with me?
Question of the day: Have you ever been underestimated by a narcissist, and if so, what happened and how did you deal with it? Share your thoughts, share your ideas, share your experiences in the comments section below this video, and let’s talk about it!