Is this narcissist cured enough for you?

Is this narcissist cured enough for you?

Today I’m sharing a story from a SPAN member who says her husband has been healed of his narcissism by Dr. David Hawkins, who has claimed to know the cure for narcissism. With her permission, I’m printing her letter in full here – but we’ll refer to her husband as Mr. X to protect their identities.

“Hi Angie, just watched your video referencing Dr. Hawkins. My husband Mr. X (name changed) and I have been clients of Dr. Hawkins’ for 18 months. Prior to Dr. H, nothing worked. Mr. X could sell ice to Eskimos and fool me, himself, our previous counselor, etc.

Mr. X didn’t believe he was abusive or narcissistic; he only acknowledged being self-centered and feeling entitled.

Dr. Hawkins was effective for a few reasons:

  1. Hawkins knew who and what he was dealing with– he called out every attempt of blame shifting, gaslighting, etc. He easily drilled down and identified Mr. X’s triggers.
  2. He taught me how to respond and react in a way that cut off Mr. X from abusing me and he wasn’t allowed to interact with me again until he made appropriate amends as approved by Dr. H. If his amends were BS, Dr. H called him out on that too.
  3. Over time he identified Mr. X’s abuse cycle and the triggers for each phase of it. He taught Mr. X how to identify his thinking errors along with a process to replace his stinking thinking with healthy thinking.
  4. The abuse cycle used to be short, repeated every few days or weekly, then as Mr. X became a humble participant in his own therapy with Dr. H the abuse cycle occurred maybe once a month. Mr. X’s “narcissist mode episodes” happened less and less.
  5. It was hard work, we had to work together daily, per Dr. H we read Lundy Bancroft’s book, “Why does he do that?”, this taught us both why abuser’s abuse, how they think, what needs to occur for them to change, etc. This was one of many helpful assignments from Dr. H.
  6. If the NPD spectrum was a 1 to 10 scale, Mr. X would have been rated a 4-5. I think any WILLING Narc rated 5 and under could change with Dr. H’s approach, but only if they truly want to and only if they stick with it.
  7. Mr. X spends a min if 1 hour a day working on his recovery. He also worked the 12 steps even though he doesn’t drink! Many years ago, Dr. H wrote a book on the 12 steps, basically the principals teach you to let go of resentment and a lot of the workbooks and exercises address narc behaviors.

So, I wanted to share! It was hard, it’s a new lifestyle, Mr. X will be in therapy forever.  His inner narc is rarely triggered, and if I even think I’m seeing a glimpse of it I announce it and Mr. X uses his tools before it takes over.

Just like anything, it’s not for everyone. I’m the Mom of a son who happens to have ODD, Asperger’s, and Anxiety. I’ve mastered identifying and redirecting triggers. I don’t want to be a Mom to a Narc and I refuse to do so.

Before Dr. H I was apartment shopping and thought I’d consult him as one last effort before running! Mr. X had very good qualities that were present way more than his Narc side.

Dr. H saved my husband and our marriage. Your videos so helpful in teaching me more about gaslighting etc. It made it easy to see what was happening and get help! Thanks Angie, you are a hero!”

My response is included in this video.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Resources

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Narcissists and Public Humiliation: How & Why Narcissists Shame You Publicly

Narcissists and Public Humiliation: How & Why Narcissists Shame You Publicly

Public humiliation is one of many ways that a narcissist will manipulate and psychologically abuse his or her sources of narcissistic supply.

Narcissists and Public Humiliation

Often, a narcissist will humiliate you in public as part of an active smear campaign – and while I’ve previously explained smear campaigns, today I’m going to go a little more in-depth on the public humiliation part of it – which, in my opinion, is one of the most traumatic parts of the whole smear campaign tactic. So, first off, I’m going to give you a few real-life examples of how toxic narcissists have used public humiliation to hurt the people who loved them.

The Litigious Loser

One client told me her narcissistic ex-husband would use their children as bargaining chips and poison them against her. Then, he’d intentionally push, poke and agitate her to the point she’d get really upset and confused – and would then start videotaping her and threaten to use it to take her to court. He held the recordings over her head in order to continue to manipulate and control her even though they’d been divorced – which he did for several years before she came to me for narcissistic abuse recovery coaching.

The Sexy Selfie Stronghold

In today’s digital world, nearly everyone can admit to having snapped a sexy photo for the one they love and even, in some cases, participated in on-camera sexual activities with that person.

And you know how narcissists are, right? Yep. SEVERAL of my clients have told me that their narcissists – both male and female – have either used or threatened to use nude or otherwise compromising photos of them in order to blackmail them into doing what they wanted.

Flying Monkey ‘Friends’

Another way that narcissists like to manipulate and publicly humiliate their victims is through the use of flying monkeys – people who, willingly or otherwise, help the narcissist to manipulate you.

For example, a narcissistic wife of one of my clients managed to humiliate him by spreading gossip among his female co-workers about his sexual health – none of which were true, but all of which really changed the way his co-workers saw him.

Her intention, of course, was to ensure his fidelity as he worked alongside his attractive coworkers each day. But in her selfishness and lack of concern and empathy for her husband, this narcissist had managed to make sure that he felt completely isolated, alone and humiliated in his workplace every day. The environment eventually became so toxic that my client moved on to a new company – and thankfully, he got divorced (and eventually moved on with a much healthier girlfriend).

In all three of those cases, there’s a similarity – and I’m not talking about the obvious one (the humiliation factor). I’m talking about the fact that none of these people recognized at first that they were even being abused – or at least, they couldn’t admit it.

So let’s talk about that.

The Humiliation Factor: No One Wants to Admit They’re Accepting the Abuse

So, how can you possibly “miss” the fact that you’re being abused?

The problem with abuse is that most relationships don’t begin with abuse. Instead, there are subtle shifts along the way, silent reprogramming until the abuser feels confident that they can control the relationship.

In most cases, by the time the abuse becomes recognizable, the victim has been so brainwashed that she or he (men can also be victims of abusive relationships) doesn’t recognize the actions as abuse and actually takes the blame for his or her predicament.

Victims often can’t be convinced that they’re experiencing abuse. They’re so busy justifying the behavior of the abuser that they don’t see it for what it is.
In many cases, the simple answer is that it’s hard to admit you’ve allowed this to happen. But if you recognize some of the following patterns in your own relationship, it’s quite possible that you are in fact, a victim of abuse.

Thoughts? Share them, along with your relevant experiences, in the comments below this video.

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