No Closure At the End of Your Relationship? What Now?

No Closure At the End of Your Relationship? What Now?

Why do narcissists refuse to give you closure in a relationship?

Are you desperate for closure after the ending of a relationship with a narcissist?  Rarely is the need for relief from the discard allowed by the narcissist – and being able to speak your mind and discuss the issues you lived with if you have gone no contact is practically a foreign concept.

Lack of Closure After a Toxic Relationship Leaves You Reeling

Feeling the need for closure in order to move on and heal can perhaps be one of the more frustrating things survivors of narcissistic abuse go through after a discard. I know that for me personally, it left me feeling like it was impossible to stop thinking about the narcissist and I even struggled to forgive myself for having been with them in the first place. Can you relate?

What can you expect from the narcissist at the end of a relationship?

With a narcissist, if you get closure then you are one of the rare few. The narcissistic person will not allow you to get the closure you need. Instead of closure you get the silent treatment, smear campaigns, gaslighting, blame-shifting, the narcissist playing victim, hoovering, and repeated abuse. In other words, anything but closure.

They might even call you the abuser. Of all the people I have spoken to about the abuse they have suffered, not one has said they have had closure directly from the narcissist.

Can you create your own closure so you can move forward with your healing after narcissist abuse?

Absolutely you can! This video talks about why a narcissist won’t give you closure as well as ideas for how to move forward with your own life to create the closure you seek.

Get Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Now

Additional Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Resources

Detaching From A Narcissist

Detaching From A Narcissist

Breaking Trauma Bonds and Detaching Emotionally From a Narcissist

Are you trying to break trauma bonds and detach from the narcissist? If you think you may be trauma bonded  know that you are not alone, weak, at fault and do deserve so much more. You deserve to feel and believe in the amazing person that you are as well as have others in your life that see and appreciate you.  You can take steps to begin to heal and there is support out there to help you along the way.  Gaining a higher sense of your own value can be one really amazing piece of healing that may be right on the other side of these trauma bonds. Are you ready to let go of the narcissist and gain freedom? Breaking trauma bonds is a critical part of healing and can be very complicated for a lot of survivors to both understand and heal from. The attached video below includes several tips for finding your way to detaching from a narcissist. The struggle is real and self focus can take you far in recovering from being trauma bonded, you got this!!   If you are wanting more info on trauma bonds here’s a link to help you out https://youtu.be/kcoBI9MSdW0

Do you have any tips for others of things that helped you through this stage of healing? What questions do you have and what can I help you with in order to support your healing goals?

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery by QueenBeeing.com offers free video coaching each week on YouTube on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays along with videos and help on recovery from toxic relationships. Featuring certified life coach Lise Colucci and supported by QueenBeeing founder and certified life coach Angie Atkinson. 

If you are looking for an affordable way to get ongoing personalized support as well as peer support and validation in a small group setting join our private coaching group https://lifemakeoveracademy.teachable…

Get one-on-one coaching with Lise Colucci at https://queenbeeing.com/lise-colucci-…

Get notified free for free video coaching sessions by texting LISELIVE to 33222. Find Lise on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lise.colucci…

Email Lise with topic ideas or any questions about the coaching options available  at [email protected]

Trauma Bonding

Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding is a common condition among narcissistic abuse survivors and their abusers. Thanks to an ongoing cycle of intermittent reinforcement, many survivors of toxic relationships go through this, much like kidnapping victims and hostages do.

Trauma bonding is often a bigger issue for people who also grew up in toxic and abusive homes, partially just because it feels like “normal” to them.

As Warwick Middleton said, “The capacity for dissociation enables the young child to exercise their innate life-sustaining need for attachment in spite of the fact that principal attachment figures are also principal abusers.”

What is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding is often used interchangeably for the term Stockholm Syndrome.

“In 1973, Jan Erik Olsson walked into a small bank in Stockholm, Sweden, brandishing a gun, wounding a police officer, and taking three women and one man hostage,” writes Rachel Lloyd. “During negotiations, Olsson demanded money, a getaway vehicle, and that his friend Clark Olofsson, a man with a long criminal history, be brought to the bank. The police allowed Olofsson to join his friend and together they held the four hostages captive in a bank vault for six days.”

Lloyd continues: “During their captivity, the hostages at times were attached to snare traps around their necks, likely to kill them in the event that the police attempted to storm the bank. The hostages grew increasingly afraid and hostile toward the authorities trying to win their release and even actively resisted various rescue attempts. Afterward, they refused to testify against their captors, and several continued to stay in contact with the hostage-takers, who were sent to prison. Their resistance to outside help and their loyalty toward their captors was puzzling, and psychologists began to study the phenomenon in this and other hostage situations. The expression of positive feelings toward the captor and negative feelings toward those on the outside trying to win their release became known as Stockholm syndrome.”

Similar to Stockholm Syndrome, it’s a condition that causes abuse victims to develop a psychological dependence on the narcissist as a survival strategy during abuse. Of course, this makes recovering from a toxic relationship significantly more difficult than it might otherwise be. While bonding is normal in healthy relationships, trauma bonding is a sort of toxic version of this that results in an abusive relationship – verbal, physical, or otherwise.

What does trauma bonding feel like?

Trauma bonding is the feeling of being addicted to a person. And it literally causes you to become almost physically addicted, due to the ongoing cycle of intermittent reinforcement. You are fighting a battle within yourself and it turns out that your own body is sort of against you on this one. The cognitive dissonance and the feeling of addiction are what lead us to stay with a narcissist in a toxic relationship even when we logically know better.

“Many survivors have such profound deficiencies in self-protection that they can barely imagine themselves in a position of agency or choice,” writes Judith Lewis Herman. “The idea of saying no to the emotional demands of a parent, spouse, lover, or authority figure may be practically inconceivable. Thus, it is not uncommon to find adult survivors who continue to minister to the needs of those who once abused them and who continue to permit major intrusions without boundaries or limits. Adult survivors may nurse their abusers in illness, defend them in adversity, and even, in extreme cases, continue to submit to their sexual demands.”

This video explains how trauma bonding directly affects our decision-making ability and why it causes it to feel so hard to let go and move forward from a toxic relationship.

“Their experiences led them to create assumptions about others and related beliefs about themselves such as ‘this is my lot in life’ and ‘this is what I deserve,'” writes Christine A. Courtois. “Some also learned that personal safety and happiness are of lower priority than survival and that it may be safer to give in than to actively fight off additional abuse and victimization. When abuse is perpetrated by intimates, it is additionally confounding in terms of attachment, betrayal, and trust. Victims may be unable to leave or to fight back due to strong, albeit insecure and disorganized, attachment and misplaced loyalty to abusers. They may have also experienced trauma bonding over the course of their victimization, that is, a bond of specialness with or dependence on the abuser.”

What is cognitive dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is a form of psychological stress or discomfort that happens when you simultaneously hold two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. Often affects narcissists as well as their victims at different times and for very different reasons. Are you struggling with cognitive dissonance during or after narcissistic abuse? Get your free cognitive dissonance toolkit right here.

This video offers an overview of cognitive dissonance as well as actionable and practical self-help tips for healing from cognitive dissonance.

How does trauma bonding affect your body and brain?

Is there such a thing as narcissistic abuse-induced trauma bonding? Yes. And, this is exactly why you might find it so difficult to get over a narcissist. It is like you are literally addicted to them! It might even by why haven’t already left the narcissist. When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath, it often looks nearly perfect from the outside, especially to people who aren’t aware of the dynamics that happen behind closed doors.

And most likely, you don’t want anyone to know how ugly your relationship really is on the inside. Hint: think Stockholm Syndrome (aka trauma bonding) – codependency – and feeling stuck.

How can you manage and heal from trauma bonding?

It isn’t easy, but it’s totally possible to heal from trauma bonding – or at least to manage it into submission. In this article, my fellow QB coach Lise Colucci explains how self-care can help. Lise also runs a small group coaching program for healing from trauma bonding.

If you find yourself stuck in a toxic relationship, these practical steps will help you heal from a trauma bond and finally let go of the narcissist, once and for all. The heartbreak is painful, but the healing is real. We will discuss the psychology of a trauma bond and how to let go of the narcissist, plus PTSD and NPD and how they work. Being trauma bonded to an abuser is being tied to something you know harms you yet still feeling unable to get away. The emotional ties alone are confusing and challenging. Here are a few ways to help you break those bonds too.

Think you’re trauma bonded with a toxic narcissist, but still not sure? Try this test.

Are You Dealing with Trauma Bonding? Take the Trauma Bonding Test

 

Our Recent Posts About Trauma Bonding

How to Heal from a Toxic Relationship

How to Heal from a Toxic Relationship

This healing guide offers not only solutions but also resources to help you learn not only how to heal from a toxic relationship, but why you were there in the first place. Plus, you’ll learn how you can level up your life after a toxic relationship and begin to evolve into the person you’ve always wanted to be.

Ignoring the Narcissist

Ignoring the Narcissist

How do you ignore a narcissist? Why is it so hard to ignore a narcissist? Here’s the truth about ignoring the narcissist, including everything you need to know. Why you should ignore a narcissist, when you should avoid ignoring the narcissist and more. Plus, tips, techniques and the psychology of ignoring a narcissist.

Trauma Bonded with a Narcissist? Take the test and find out.

Trauma Bonded with a Narcissist? Take the test and find out.

Trauma Bond Focus Group Coaching Starts This Week

Trauma Bond Focus Group Coaching Starts This Week

Trauma Bonds Focus Group Coaching starts this week

To sign up:

Join the course here:

Life Makeover Academy 

email me at [email protected]
or go to https://queenbeeing.com/lise/

Here is the info on group coaching for trauma bonds:

Groups are led by Lise Colucci, certified life coach and narcissistic abuse recovery coach.

Thursday’s 11am, 4:30 pm or 6 pm Pacific

4 weeks with weekly video chat meetings beginning October 18

SPECIAL Divorce group plus trauma bonds on Fridays at 3:30 Pacific with Misty Dawn, divorce coach and Lise.

Cost: $60 (non-refundable at this reduced group rate) for all 4 weeks.
This includes a group messenger chat for daily check-in if you need it.

What to expect:
-understanding the trauma bond and how it applies to you personally.
-tips and techniques to help get you refocusing onto self.
-reframing the situation so you can heal your pain and find your path towards thriving.
-coping technique/ideas/support
-validation, accountability, care
-so much more tailored to the specific needs of the people in the group.

This is not a cure-all, this is to get you started on healing and begin breaking the trauma bonds and give you personalized coaching support alongside others.

If you would like to see a video about what group coaching is like from a survivor that has been in groups click HERE to listen to Nicole talk about her experience.

 

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