We say the words, “DISCOVER, UNDERSTAND AND OVERCOME NARCISSISTIC ABUSE” often enough that many of you may be very familiar with that phrase. Let’s look a bit at how working the phases of trauma recovery after narcissistic abuse might look. Each of these phases can go on simultaneously because healing from abuse is in layers. Different discoveries, understandings and overcomings happen at different times. There will be times during your recovery where you will feel like you are going backward but please do not be discouraged, this is normal. Layers of healing and mountains of growth are what happens for anyone evolving out of toxic abuse into a thriving survivor.
What we discover in this phase is not only about narcissistic abuse but about how the abuse affects us as survivors. You may come to a lot of realizations as you discover the things about narcissistic behaviors that make it abuse, realizations about how you feel as a survivor of abuse and also that you are not alone. Validation of the way you feel and that what you experienced truly is abuse is what can help you in this phase to realize you truly are not alone. There is a lot of information being taken in when in the discovery phase, it can cause a bit of overwhelm as well. Keep at the discovery and things will become more and more clear as you enter into the next phase of understanding.
Understanding also can mean accepting that the toxic person truly is toxic. Seeing things as they are instead of how you wish they could be opens your mind to an understanding of the situation that helps you to break the trauma bonds and begin to recover. Understanding that this is not your fault can help you to gain more self-worth as well as be kind to yourself through the healing process. Understanding the abuse can help you to separate your own needs from those of the narcissist that you were groomed to emotionally “take care of” so that you can begin and continue to see the path to healing is in self-care, self- focus and letting go of the narcissist.
Finally, you get to overcome this abuse and thrive! This is not an overnight thing that just happens. Often there is a huge “ah-ha” moment in the understanding phase that leads to a giant perspective shift which then helps you let go of the abuser. Through the overcoming phase there can be a lot of grief, feelings of loss, feelings of not really knowing oneself as well as other not so comfortable things. If you feel this, it is totally normal and part of the healing. What can happen is self-discovery and a renewed focus on your own life and wellbeing. This is where the deepening of healing can take you to great places, to discover and do things that truly create a beautiful life and that get you on the path you choose to be on. Keep the hope up as you overcome narcissistic abuse, you always were enough, you always were and still are worth it!
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Being in a relationship with a narcissist is confusing and can completely change the way you feel, think or believe things about yourself for a reason. They are constantly manipulating! There are many forms of abuse and manipulation in the narcissists repertoire of toxic behavior, the following video gives a brief description of 6 of these. Understanding the ways you are being manipulated can help you to see the situation for what it is and the narcissist for who they are. If breaking trauma bonds is the goal, understanding and acceptance that the abuse is real is one thing needed to help you get there. What are some ways you feel you have been manipulated by a narcissist?
Check out other videos for more information on any of the 6 ways a narcissist manipulates at Narcissistic Abuse Recovery by QueenBeeing.com.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery by QueenBeeing.com offers free video coaching each week on YouTube on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays along with videos and help on recovery from toxic relationships. Featuring certified life coach Lise Colucci and supported by QueenBeeing founder and certified life coach Angie Atkinson.
If you are looking for an affordable way to get ongoing personalized support as well as peer support and validation in a small group setting join our private coaching group https://lifemakeoveracademy.teachable…
Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us. ~Stephen Covey
So, you’re minding your own business and having a bright, bright sunshiny day. Everything seems to be going your way–your kids are getting along, the guy at Starbucks finally gets your order right and the lights are all green.
Then, it happens.
Some yahoo comes along and takes a crap in your Cheerios. Suddenly, your sunny outlook is replaced by the storm clouds of negativity. You start remembering all those little things that bother you, the stresses, the annoyances, and the general malaise sets in. The kids start fighting, the coffee gets cold before you can drink it and the lights turn red. You’re irritated and ready to scream.
“Mean people really do suck. There you are, minding your own business, having a great day, and some snarky cashier, office person, or even a bus driver shreds your happy little bubble of a life into a million pieces,” says Anne Loyd in the Mean People That Suck blog. “All you can remember is that one jerk who ruined your day.”
Loyd is totally on-point. Dealing with negative people in your life totally sucks.
Most everyone has experienced this whole mean people phenomenon at one time or another, and when the negativity is doled out by a random someone in the world, it’s easy to learn to change your mind and change your perspective–after all, you don’t need to deal with these people on a consistent basis. Why should you let them steal your sunshine?
But sometimes, it’s not some random bus driver or grocery store clerk who causes the icky feelings–it’s someone you love–a stressed out spouse, a controlling parent, or a fair-weather friend, for example. Then it becomes a whole different thing–because you can’t just walk away and never see or talk to that person again. He or she is a part of your life, probably a pretty important part.
So what do you do? Are you doomed to walking around with a proverbial rain cloud over your head? What’s the trick to dealing with negative people in your life–especially when you love them–all while keeping the sun shining in your world?
Tips for Dealing With Negative People in Your Life
As children, we crave the approval of the people we love. We want our parents to be proud of us, we want our teachers to think we’re smart and we want our friends to think we’re cool. As we grow older, we often tend to accept what our loved ones think as fact, and we internalize their thoughts and judgments against us. We begin to think that maybe they’re right, that we’re not good enough or that we really aren’t as cool or smart as we thought.
But here’s the thing that we forget. Our loved ones are human, just like we are, and in some cases, they’re just plain wrong.
“Just because someone is concerned for your welfare does not mean that their advice or input has value,” says writer Peter Murphy. “For example, I know a lot about peak performance. I do not know much about car maintenance. If I ever offer you advice on rebuilding a car engine run as fast as you can! My input would have little or no value.”
Same deal with your loved ones–sometimes they may be negative about you or your choices because they can’t understand or simply don’t know how to think positively about the situation. And their lack of understanding can lead to unreasonable anxiety about your life–which, of course, makes them feel justified in throwing down some negativity on your (otherwise happy) ass. You have to learn to distinguish between valuable advice and unreasonable negativity.
By nature, we seek the approval of the people we love. In many cases, we can feel limited and stifled by the constraints that maintaining such approval can impose on us. Some people in our lives offer conditional love, which means that they can’t (or won’t) treat you with love or respect unless you can be the person they want you to be.
When we don’t fit into the neat little boxes that our loved ones (and our society) have set out for us, we are often ostracized or shunned, sometimes by those closest to us. And, if we require the approval of those we love to be happy, we set ourselves up for conditional self-acceptance–so when we’re doing what “they” think we should, we think we’re allowed to feel good about ourselves (even if that nagging feeling in the pit of our stomachs is telling us that we’re not on the right path.) We become the victims of the limiting beliefs of the people around us.
We must learn to let go of the need to please the people we love, and start focusing on what’s right for ourselves. We must claim our independence from negativity and judgment, following our hearts to find true peace. Be yourself, and proudly claim your place in this world.
When you are happy and at peace with yourself, you’ll attract more happiness and peace into your world.
I’ve said it till I’m blue in the face: you get back what you put out into the world. So, when you focus on the negativity in your life, the bad stuff, you’ll attract more of it to yourself. When you maintain a mostly positive attitude, you draw more of the same into your life.
We must own our confidence and trust in ourselves and our intuition. Keep your eye on the prize, and always expect the best–because the fact is, you get what you expect. Learn to let go of the past and focus on the positive things you’ve got coming toward you today.
If you’ve been hurt by someone you love, you must forgive that person in order to heal and move forward in peace. At all costs, try to avoid internalizing the negativity of others, and focus instead on the wonderful things in your life.
We can’t control the people around us, no matter how hard we try. Practice accepting yourself and the people you love for who they are, and stay focused on what really matters. Be true to yourself and stay on the path that you know is right for you. Understand negativity for what it and find the approval you seek within yourself, for when you manage to achieve this new level of understanding, the rest will fall into place.