So, you need or want a woman to do something for you, but you’re not sure how to make it happen.
Lucky for you, I’m one of those people who does not believe in secrets – and as a woman, I totally understand how us girls work.
Whether you’re a man or a woman, there has probably been some time in your life when you needed or wanted a woman to do something for you. Or maybe you just wanted her to do something for her own good.
Whatever the case, you may have failed to get what you wanted for a number of reasons. But I’ve got great news for you: if you make a few small tweaks to your own behavior, you can get almost any woman to do almost anything you want (within reason).
Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self
Women rarely respond well to demands, ultimatums or faith-based manipulation. Those who do may have been trained to do so, but it doesn’t do their souls any good when they bend against their will.
It’s better to help a woman understand what you need or want and why. Then she can understand your goal or intention, and that means she can understand a big, important thing for every woman: how she can help you reach that goal. Which brings me to my next point.
Ask her to help you
Few women can resist someone she likes or loves who needs her help. This is even true with strangers in many cases. We can’t help it – we are wired to take care of people.
Don’t go all feminist on me now. This is not about that. The fact is that as humans, men and women are wired to survive and to carry on the species.
Obviously that means different things for men and women, so the caretaker urge we women have is simply an instinct we can choose to nurture or not. Most of us tend to just go with it because it still works for us today.
Treat her like someone who matters to you
Here’s the bottom line on talking to women and getting anywhere, ever.
Do NOT, I repeat, do not treat her like anything less than your equal. I don’t care if she’s your wife, your sister, mom, boss…ever your daughter…whatever. Treat her as if she is as important as you. At the very least.
Give her a little pedestal to stand on and she might really shine.
If nothing else, just remember this: No woman will respond positively to someone who treats her disrespectfully. At least none who have self-respect (a super-important part of what makes any woman particularly hot, on an unrelated note).
Tell her she’s pretty/smart/amazing
Look, not gonna lie to you. Us women? We love a good compliment, especially when it’s genuine. Don’t try blowing sunshine up our asses now. Understand that we know when you’re lying.
But find stuff to compliment us on and watch how we light up. When you’ve got us all warm and fuzzy? We are always willing to be more generous with our favors.
Tell others how awesome she is
Because honestly, next to being complimented directly, hearing that someone thinks we are awesome enough to be bragged about to others is the best feeling in the world.
That makes us like or love you that much more. The more we feel connected to you by positive feelings and experiences, the more we want to make your life easier too.
Do her a favor once in awhile too.
You know how we (women) never forget when you hurt our feelings? Well we don’t forget favors either. And a lot of us like to pay it forward. The rest, conscious or otherwise, will automatically be a little friendlier and more generous with someone who has offered us the same kindness.
It doesn’t have to be big, either. Open the door for her. Help her carry on the groceries or the stuff for the big presentation she’s giving.
Watch her kids for a few hours and give her some freetime. Cook her dinner one night and save her the trouble. Take out her trash, do her dishes or mop her floor. Clean her closet or walk her dog. You know what she needs done. Do it and make her feel appreciated.
Of course, bigger favors are always appreciated as well. Don’t get me wrong.
Bottom line: never be a jerk
Jerks come in all flavors and they can be men or women. In this case, if you ever want a woman to be available to help you when you need or want it, treat her with respect all of the time.
Don’t talk badly about her to other people and don’t talk to her like she’s anything less than important.
Don’t take out your anger on her, don’t be rude or short with her. And if it happens, be a grown-up and apologize. Women are often happy to forgive when a genuine apology is accompanied by a positive change in behavior.
One more thing: JUST ASK!
Communication is so important to everyone – but women are especially wired for it. So if you need something, all you have to do, so long as you are generally a decent human being who treats her with respect, is just ask.
Don’t try to give her hints or clues or talk around the subject. Just say what you want. That’s probably where you should start, actually.
Editor’s Note: #SpeakOut is a new series in which we ask a group of people for their opinions on a specific QueenBeeing topic. What follows is an actual online discussion about beautiful women–who is beautiful, who has potential and what people think IS beautiful.
Q. Do you believe any woman can be beautiful if she makes an effort, or are there actually “lost causes” when it comes to appearances, as far as you’re concerned?
Karin O: “Never a lost cause. Beauty comes from within and is deeply imbedded in attitude and confidence. Broken spirits need healing and then the beauty is able to be seen. Outward appearances can be deceiving. You may look beautiful by what ever standard someone is judging you but if the spirit is not well then…”
Bridget:I believe everyone woman is beautiful in their own personal way. No one should ever be considered a lost cause due to her appearance. The true beauty lies inside the mind, body & spirit of each woman. Some woman come by that naturally & know their inner beauty, some take longer to “blossom”. The outside is only a facade, a shell, if you will, of what lies beneath.
Kristopher:Everyone is attractive for different reasons, and everyone is attracted to different people for different reasons. Anyone can alter their appearance to look attractive. Beauty, however, in my opinion is the ability to make the outward person more attractive by letting the true nature of the inner person shine through. Unfortunately, there are some people who just aren’t comfortable with their inner person, or their inner person is a horrible person. Those people, regardless of physical augmentation, are ugly to the core and changing them is hopeless.
Karin O:Kristopher, while I agree with most of what you said, I do believe that everyone is capable of changing that inner person. Many chose not to and are seemingly hopeless, but I believe that if they desire to find a way to be better then there is hope.
Karin J.: I have seen some women with truly unfortunate looks, but that disappears when their faces are lit with joy. I’ve seen truly beautiful women whose looks are marred by the selfishness and entitlement that exudes from every pore. Pretty is as pretty does is not just a cliche!
Bridget:Kristopher, good insight on your comment… up to the point of the last sentence. It’s boils down to a matter of opinion, I suppose. If the topic where murderers, rapists, psychopaths, etc. I’d strongly agree on the word hopeless. However, with regards to this specific issue, of the normal, everyday person and beauty, I’d have to adamantly disagree. The standard person(s), I believe, are capable of change. That’s what we humans do for the most part, adapt (or change) accordingly. With that being said, I do understand your point but also believe beauty lies within every being, in some shape or form.
Now it’s your turn! Can any woman be beautiful if she tries? Share your thoughts in the comments, below, or on your Facebook page.
“Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt
The other day, I overheard a rather uncomfortable conversation between two women standing in line at Target.
They were clearly discussing a woman they both knew, and one of the two wasn’t mincing words with her thoughts–and, to be honest, she was entirely negative about the woman they were discussing. And that’s putting it mildly.
She hit on everything from the woman’s weight and physical appearance to her marriage and parenting. She attacked the woman’s career choices, her home and even the car she drove–and it only got more personal after that.
Let’s call them Betty Blissful and Gail Gossip, shall we?
With each insult and bit of hateful gossip Gail spat forth, Betty seemed to grow more uncomfortable. And when Betty tried to defend the woman, Gail seemed to grow more agitated.
While I had no idea who the woman was, the petty things Gail was saying made me think less of her–and I am talking about Gail herself, not the woman she was tearing down.
Negativity is Ugly
We all know someone who thinks they’re better than everyone else or who can’t walk into a new room without finding 15 things to criticize right away.
And we know people who are always spewing negative words, thinking negative thoughts and feeling negatively.
But here’s the thing.
You might not realize it, but when you sit around and gossip negatively about your friends, family members, co-workers, neighbors–it doesn’t reflect so much on the people you’re ripping on–it really reflects on you.
And for the record, I didn’t think any less of the woman I overheard Gail and Betty discussing–I actually thought less of Gail.
Have a Heart, Huh?
No matter how negatively you perceive someone, she is still human, and you can’t know what happens inside her head.
Maybe if you could, you wouldn’t feel so angry/threatened/frustrated.
Remember that everyone has his own issues, his own worries and concerns–and often, we have no idea what our friends and family members are dealing with, much less co-workers and acquaintances.
If you change your mind, you can change it all.
Ways to Stop Gossiping and Start Loving
Have compassion for other people. Imagine what it’s like to walk a day in their shoes.
If you wouldn’t say it to my face, don’t say it behind my back.
Speak and react with love, always. (This can be hard, but practice! It feels good!)
Focusing on what is good in the world and the people around you.
One of the things that gives me most peace is have a clean, simple home. When I wake up in the morning and walk out into a living room that has been decluttered, that has a minimalist look, and there isn’t junk lying around, there is a calm and joy that enters my heart.
When, on the other hand, I walk out into a living room cluttered with toys and books and extra things all over the place, it is chaos and my mind is frenetic.
I’ve been a simplifier and a declutterer for years now (probably 8-9 years) and I’ve gotten pretty good at it, but I’ve found that you have to keep coming back to revisit your clutter every once in awhile.
Here are my top decluttering tips:
Do it in small chunks. Set aside just 15 minutes to declutter just one shelf, and when that shelf or that 15 minutes is up, celebrate your victory. Then tackle another shelf for 15 minutes the next day. Conquering an entire closet or room can be overwhelming, and you might put it off forever. If that’s the case, just do it in baby steps.
Set aside a couple hours to do it. This may seem contradictory to the above tip … and it is. It’s simply a different strategy, and I say do whatever works for you. Sometimes, for me, it’s good to set aside part of a morning, or an entire Saturday morning, to declutter a closet or room. I do it all at once, and when I’m done, it feels awesome.
Take everything out of a shelf or drawer at once. Whichever of the two above strategies you choose, you should focus on one drawer or shelf at a time, and empty it completely. Then clean that shelf or drawer. Then, take the pile and sort it (see next tip), and put back just what you want to keep. Then tackle the next shelf or drawer.
Sort through your pile, one item at a time, and make quick decisions. Have a trash bag and a give-away box handy. When you pull everything out of a shelf or drawer, sort through the pile one at a time. Pick up an item, and make a decision: trash, give away, or keep. Don’t put it back in the pile. Do this with the entire pile, and soon, you’ll be done. If you keep sorting through the pile, and re-sorting, it’ll take forever. Put back only what you want to keep, and arrange it nicely.
Be merciless. You may be a pack rat, but the truth is, you won’t ever use most of the junk you’ve accumulated. If you haven’t used it in the last year, get rid of it. It’s as simple as that. If you’ve only used it once or twice in the last year, but know you won’t use it in the next year, get rid of it. Toss it if it’s unsalvageable, and give it away if someone else might be able to use it.
Papers? Be merciless, unless it’s important. Magazines, catalogues, junk mail, bills more than a year old, notes to yourself, notes from others, old work stuff … toss it! The only exception is with tax-related stuff, which should be kept for seven years, and other important documents like warranties, birth and death and marriage certificates, insurance, wills, and other important documents like that. But you’ll know those when you see ‘em. Otherwise, toss!!!!
If you are on the fence with a lot of things, create a “maybe” box. If you can’t bear to toss something because you might need it later, put it in the box, then close the box, label it, and put it in storage (garage, attic, closet), out of sight. Most likely, you’ll never open that box again. If that’s the case, pull it out after six months or a year, and toss it or give it away.
Create a system to stop clutter from accumulating. There’s a reason you have tall stacks of papers all over the place, and big piles of toys and books and clothes. It’s because you don’t have a regular system to keep things in their place, and get rid of stuff you don’t need. This is a topic for another day, but it’s something to think about as you declutter. You’ll never get to perfect, but if you think more intelligently about how your house got cluttered, perhaps you can find ways to stop it from happening again.
Celebrate when you’re done! This is actually a general rule in life: always celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Even if you just decluttered one drawer, that’s great. Treat yourself to something delicious. Open that drawer (or closet, or whatever), and admire its simplicity. Breathe deeply and know that you have done a good thing. Bask in your peacefulness.
When I wrote The Story Of An Imperfect Woman, I ran it by my hubby to get his blessing since it referred, not only to my quirks and imperfections, but to his. He gave me his blessing, but then he said, “I’m not sure it’s such a good idea to tell everyone all of these things.” I asked him why, and he said, “But what about your reputation?”
I had to laugh.
I mean this guy knows me and loves me, in spite of all these imperfections that are a big part of who I am. He doesn’t expect me to be perfect. And finally, I don’t either.
I remember, back in my thirties, when I felt like I had to:
• Never make mistakes at my job (after all, someone could die)
• Be the perfect wife (or my husband might divorce me)
• Keep a tidy house (or the neighbors would think I was a slob)
• Look perfect (after all, those women’s magazines tell me it’s so important)
• Be perfect in bed (or he might trade me in for a younger model)
• Behave perfectly (or others might not respect me)
• Be the perfect mother (or I might screw up my daughter)
Of course, even if any one of these had been possible, these things were mutually exclusive. By definition, to even try to be perfect at one thing, I’d have to be imperfect at another. It’s enough to make even the most awesome woman bonkers!
I now consider myself a recovering perfectionist, and I no longer expect myself to be perfect. And yet, when my husband said, “But what about your reputation?” I felt the old familiar twinge. Oh yeah. What about my reputation? What will people think?
I thought about it, checked in with my Inner Pilot Light, listened to the still small voice within me, and started to laugh. I mean WHO CARES about my reputation? Who gives a flip what people think? So what if patients decide not to come to me as their doctor because I refuse to be some plastic version of myself who never makes mistakes? Why would I want those people as patients to begin with?
Who gives a flying freak if some society woman doesn’t let me in her country club? Who cares if the neighbors think I’m a slob or the people from my church discover that I took a sex workshop or that I’m twice divorced or that I have a bit of a pooch around my middle these days?
I mean seriously? What am I trying to prove?
I know my husband means well. He wants me to be successful in business, pleasure, friendships, and life, and he supports me 1000%. But if someone like him can still question – after all I’ve done to put my truth out there on the internet – whether I’m crossing the line by revealing how imperfect I am, it only shows me how much further I have to go to help encourage you to learn to love yourself exactly as you are so you can free yourself from the burden of trying to be perfect.
Imperfection As A Screening Tool
The way I see it, sharing my imperfections with you is kind of the perfect screening tool. In other words, I’m not trying to please everyone. I only care about pleasing my people – and if you read this post and decide you don’t like me anymore, then you’re not part of my tribe. Good for both of us to know, right?
I met one girl with bright pink hair and hairy armpits and she said she used her hair as a screening tool. If people didn’t love her because she had pink hair and hairy armpits, they weren’t her people.
The more you pretend to be perfect, the harder it is to find your tribe. Why not make it easy for everyone? Why not let your freak flag fly and see what happens?
The Gift In Imperfection
I’ve learned an incredible lesson since I started Owning Pink over 2 years ago. It turns out that my imperfections are not only a good screening tool, they’re actually the keys to the kingdom. In my vulnerability, authenticity, fearlessness, and sometimes uncomfortable level of disclosure, lies the secret sauce. If I was writing this blog and showing you some vanilla version of myself, I suspect most of you wouldn’t be here. If I was telling you what I thought you wanted to hear instead of what was actually true, I doubt I’d have 5 million readers and over 100,000 Twitter followers.
People care what I have to say because when you’re brave enough to expose your imperfections, you give them courage to do the same. And when we can build community based on truth and authenticity, rather than masks, false perfection, and being phoney, we heal, connect, and thrive.
Are you brave enough to share your imperfections?
Tell us one imperfect thing about you in the comments here. (I promise, we’ll all love you anyway!)