So you want to learn how to control a narcissist or someone with borderline personality disorder.
Maybe it sounds a little sneaky, trying to teach you how to control a narcissist, but the fact is that if you’re in a relationship with one, you might need to figure out how to control him or her, especially if you’re the victim of gaslighting or narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury.
But while you can pretty much rest assured that you’ll never be able to fully control or predict the narcissist’s actions and behavior, you can occasionally use certain tactics to temporarily deal with a situation and potentially avoid arguments or further manipulation.
How to Control a Narcissist: Use Their Narcissism Against Them
The benefit of having studied narcissism and those affected by narcissistic personality disorder for me is that it helps me to both write for you and to deal with the narcissists in my own life. And today, as you’re reading this, the benefit is that I’m going to teach you how to his narcissism against him in order to get what you want from him.
Stroke the narcissist’s ego like it’s a well-groomed cat.
So, if you’re able to understand how a narcissist’s mind works, you can use his weaknesses and strengths to get what you want from him. For example, every narcissist needs to feel admired and “better” than everyone, so one way to get what you want from a narc is by stroking his ego.
One simple way to do this on a consistent basis is to NOTICE every time they do anything that helps you in any way and to act like it made them your hero – then lavish compliments on them. This will make a narcissist feel pretty warmly toward you, at least for the moment, so that’s a good way to get what you want from them.
Point out people who could make the narcissist feel threatened.
Another option is to point out the competition. Since a narcissist needs to feel like they’re the best at everything, if you want them to do something better, you could point out how well another person does it.
For example, if your narcissist refuses to help around the house, you could point out how much your neighbor’s partner seems to do around their place and how much she brags on her helpful hubby.
Done carefully and under the right circumstances, this kind of technique could trigger the narcissist to, at least temporarily, step up their game.
But that temporarily part is the key – when it comes to a narcissist, you’ll have to accept that their motivations are different than yours. If you stay in a relationship with one, you’ll need to be prepared for the extreme highs and painful lows that come along with it.
Want to detoxify your life? Read Take Back Your Life: 103 Highly-Effective Strategies to Snuff Out a Narcissist’s Gaslighting and Enjoy the Happy Life You Really Deserve.
Kiss the narcissist’s proverbial butt at all costs.
When it comes to a relationship with a narcissist, the truth is that no matter what you do, they are always going to find something wrong and something to rage about.
They can’t help it – it’s just part of what makes them who they are. So, if you want to get something from a narcissist, do your best to walk on eggshells during the time leading up to your request. Kiss butt, do whatever you need to do.
(I don’t know about you, but this all seems like way too much of a pain in the butt to deal with! I’d much rather learn how to snuff out the gaslighting in the first place, assuming I can’t just walk away.)
You might have to live with it, but that doesn’t mean you’ve got to accept it – there are plenty of ways to deal with the manipulation and abuse that comes with these kinds of relationships. The most highly-recommended, of course, is the whole no contact thing – but that’s not always possible for everyone.
So, what about you? Are you in a relationship with a narcissist, and if so, do you deal with these kinds of manipulation? How do you get what you want from your narcissist, if you do? Share your thoughts below – I’d love to discuss this with you.
- Related articles
- Are you married to a narcissist? 12 easy ways to spot a narcissist in a marriage
- Narcissistic Rage and Narcissistic Injury: What You Need to Know
Angela Atkinson is a certified trauma counselor and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships since 2006, she has a popular narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel. Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and has certifications in trauma counseling, life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation, and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy.
She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online.