So you want to learn how to control a narcissist or someone with borderline personality disorder.
Maybe it sounds a little sneaky, trying to teach you how to control a narcissist, but the fact is that if you’re in a relationship with one, you might need to figure out how to control him or her, especially if you’re the victim of gaslighting or narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury.
But while you can pretty much rest assured that you’ll never be able to fully control or predict the narcissist’s actions and behavior, you can occasionally use certain tactics to temporarily deal with a situation and potentially avoid arguments or further manipulation.
How to Control a Narcissist: Use His Narcissism Against Him
The benefit of having studied narcissism and those affected by narcissistic personality disorder for me is that it helps me to both write for you and to deal with the narcissists in my own life. And today, as you’re reading this, the benefit is that I’m going to teach you how to his narcissism against him in order to get what you want from him.
Stroke his ego like it’s a well-groomed cat.
So, if you’re able to understand how a narcissist’s mind works, you can use his weaknesses and strengths to get what you want from him. For example, every narcissist needs to feel admired and “better” than everyone, so one way to get what you want from a narc is by stroking his ego.
One simple way to do this on a consistent basis is to NOTICE every time he does anything that helps you in any way and to act like it made him your hero – then lavish compliments on him. This will make him feel pretty warmly toward you, at least for the moment, so that’s a good way to get what you want from him.
Point out people who could make him feel threatened.
Another option is to point out the competition. Since a narcissist needs to feel like he’s the best at everything, if you want him to do something better, you could point out how well another person does it.
For example, if your narcissist refuses to help around the house, you could point out how much your neighbor’s man seems to do around their place and how much she brags on her helpful hubby.
Done carefully and under the right circumstances, this kind of technique could trigger your narc to, at least temporarily, step up his game.
But that temporarily part is the key – when it comes to a narcissist, you’ll have to accept that his motivations are different than yours. If you stay in a relationship with one, you’ll need to be prepared for the extreme highs and painful lows that come along with it.
Want to detoxify your life? Read Take Back Your Life: 103 Highly-Effective Strategies to Snuff Out a Narcissist’s Gaslighting and Enjoy the Happy Life You Really Deserve.
Kiss his proverbial butt at all costs.
When it comes to a relationship with a narcissist, the truth is that no matter what you do, he’s always going to find something wrong and something to rage about.
He can’t help it – it’s just part of what makes him who he is. So, if you want to get something from a narcissist, do your best to walk on eggshells during the time leading up to your request. Kiss butt, do whatever you need to do.
(I don’t know about you, but this all seems like way too much of a pain in the butt to deal with! I’d much rather learn how to snuff out the gaslighting in the first place, assuming I can’t just walk away.)
You might have to live with it, but that doesn’t mean you’ve got to accept it – there are plenty of ways to deal with the manipulation and abuse that comes with these kinds of relationships. The most highly-recommended, of course, is the whole no contact thing – but that’s not always possible for everyone.
So, what about you? Are you in a relationship with a narcissist, and if so, do you deal with these kinds of manipulation? How do you get what you want from your narcissist, if you do? Share your thoughts below – I’d love to discuss this with you.
Angela Atkinson is a Certified Life Coach and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic relationships since 2006, Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed coaching and has certifications in life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. In her life coaching practice, Atkinson’s clients enjoy her personalized approach that allows and encourages them to become the best possible versions of themselves and to succeed in doing what they love most. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online and NarcissismSupportCoach.com.