So, you want to be an “it girl” (or guy) but you don’t know where to start? Good news, I’ve got you covered. First, let’s define it.
As far as I’m concerned, it’s “that certain something” – that nearly indefinable quality that certain people have about them that, no matter how they look, causes people to be drawn to them.
It’s a combination of confidence, charisma and charm. But what does that mean?
Dr. Nerdlove says that we all know someone with that “it” factor.
“(It’s) someone who’s personal charisma and appeal make him stand out like a bonfire at midnight,” he writes. “There’s just something about them that’s absolutely magnetic. They draw the attention (and desire) of people around them, seemingly without conscious effort.”
And, according to life coach Sue Henry, it’s more like “the invisible ‘thing’ a person has that makes them stand out in any crowd.”
“It’s not because they talk loud, look like a supermodel, or do things to draw attention to themselves,” Henry adds, noting that her definition of the “It factor” involves three main points:
- Confidence with humility
- Genuine interest in others
- A personal mission or “why” that is bigger than them
However it’s defined, we all know the “it factor” (also known as the “X factor”) when we see it. But while some people are born with it, others don’t come by it naturally.
Good news, though! You can be, do and have anything you want, if you believe it. So that obviously includes getting a little bit of that “It Factor” for yourself?
So how do you do that? Well, you do it by bumping up on your confidence, your charisma and your charm! And more good news.
You don’t even have to leave this page to get started. Here’s a comprehensive plan to help you start developing your own “it factor.” Ready? Let’s go.
Get the “It Factor”: 8 Steps to Irresistible Self-Confidence
Reading self-improvement articles and books can be a good investment in yourself. However, unless you make a real effort to apply the strategies to your life, little is likely to change. There’s a big difference between knowing how to do a pushup and doing 100 pushups each day. Knowing what it takes to become self-confident won’t get the job done. Application is critical.
Follow this plan to take control of your self-confidence:
1. Embrace change. Change is uncomfortable, and there’s a good reason for this. Scientists believe that humans are slow to change because whatever we’re currently doing is perceived as successful. But, our ancient brains had a different idea of what constituted success. In the distant past, staying alive was challenging, and any new behavior might lead to death.
- Realize that the discomfort you feel when you try something new is simply old instinct rising to the surface. Being uncomfortable usually isn’t a good reason not to do something. You can still move forward in spite of your discomfort.
- Be happy that you’re uncomfortable. It means you’re doing something that might actually change your life. Continuing with your comfortable behaviors won’t make anything different.
2. List the areas where your self-confidence is most lacking. Figure out where you’re feeling a lack of confidence. It might be your ability to learn a new skill or a setting that requires public speaking. It might be in social situations.
- Once you target your weaker areas, you can start making the necessary adjustments.
3. Determine your beliefs surrounding the areas where you lack self-confidence. Sticking with the public speaking example, perhaps you’re worried that you’ll say something embarrassing or that your voice isn’t pleasant. If you’re uncomfortable in social settings, maybe you think that you’re not interesting enough.
4. Find the fault with those beliefs. If you’re uncomfortable in dating situations because of your weight, you could find examples of heavier people who have had a lot of success in romantic relationships.
- Engage in self-exploration by asking yourself some probing questions. How did you develop this belief? Do you really know that it’s true? Have you tested it?
5. Seek out a mentor. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to find a “guru” to hold your hand. But, there are plenty of people who have confidence in the area where you’re experiencing challenges. Ask for help from someone who’s comfortable in an area where you lack confidence, such as in dating situations or public speaking.
- It’s much easier to be confident when you’re an expert. Learn everything you can and you’ll feel better about yourself.
6. Start small, but get started. If you lack confidence in finding a potential romantic partner, try walking through the mall and making eye contact with those you find attractive. Then progress to smiling and saying hello. The next step could be to stop them and ask for directions.
- Being confident with one step makes the next one possible.
7. Track your progress. It’s important to see the progress you’re making. Without progress, you won’t stick with your plan. Measure your anxiety on a subjective 1 to 100 scale in different situations. Celebrate when you see progress!
8. Evolve your plan over time. Just as the same workout routine leads to stagnation, working on your self-confidence in the same fashion over a long period of time will lead to less than optimal results. Constantly evaluate and tweak your action plan.
If you lack confidence in yourself, it’s hard to try new things or grow as a person. Create an action plan that addresses your self-confidence levels, and strive to achieve the level of confidence you deserve.
How to be Charismatic in any Situation: A 4-Point Plan
Everyone knows charisma when they see it, yet it’s hard to define. Being charismatic is similar to being charming, but they’re not quite the same thing. Regardless, most people would agree that being charismatic is a good thing. Charismatic people are wonderful to be around and tend to lead successful lives. Who wouldn’t want to be more charismatic?
There are few characteristics that will do more to enhance your life than a possessing a high level of charisma. You’ll be happy to know that it’s a learnable skill, rather than one you’re just born with.
If you’d like to increase your charisma, follow these tips:
1. Learn to be fully present in all your interactions. Think about the charismatic people you know. Aren’t they fully engaged with you when you’re speaking? They make you feel like you’re the most fascinating person in the room.
- Maintaining your focus and listening intently are great ways to accomplish this. Act like you’re in the midst of the most important and interesting conversation you’ve ever had. Listening and interacting makes the other person feel interesting and important.
2. Practice warmth. Have you ever had a charismatic person treat you coldly or say something that insulted you? Of course not! Interacting with charismatic people is a pleasant experience. A huge part of being charismatic is making people feel good about themselves.
- Be supportive and positive. People will thank you for it.
3. Make others believe you’re powerful. This is really the difference between being charming and being charismatic. Anyone can be charming. A petty thief, homeless person, or even a child can be charming. But these people lack the ability to be charismatic, unless they can make you believe they’re powerful. Most of us aren’t famous, wealthy, or influential. But fortunately, it’s possible to make others believe you’re powerful, without being dishonest. Here’s how you can do it.
- Dress the part. It’s rare to see a powerful individual dress in baggy khakis with frayed cuffs, and a faded, undersized golf shirt. Make an effort to look the part. Ensure your style is current and you’re not underdressed. Wear clothes that fit!
- Work on your nonverbal behavior. If you’ve ever been in a meeting with a high-level executive, it’s easy to pick them out. There’s just something about the way they stand, sit, and move. Watch movies with powerful characters and observe their non-verbal behaviors.
- Be confident. It’s easy to be confident in situations where you know you have the upper hand. It’s tougher when you know that you don’t. But, if you can learn to be confident in all social situations, others will assume you have the upper hand.
4. Drop the ego. Have you ever met someone who’s super confident, but doesn’t have an ego? How’s that possible? When you’re charismatic, others believe you’re important, without it seeming like you’re more important than they are.
- After all, isn’t charisma largely about making others believe they’re amazing? Being powerful and confident simply makes your opinion more relevant to them.
Charisma is simply charm coming from a position of power. And it can be learned! Fortunately, it’s possible to seem powerful, even if you’re not. Increasing your level of charisma is a very worthwhile endeavor. Your social and professional lives will be forever changed.
Want more? Check out my book, 69 INSTANT MANIFESTATION SECRETS: Quick and Easy Life Hacks for Remarkable Success, at Amazon.com!
Angela Atkinson is a certified trauma counselor and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships since 2006, she has a popular narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel. Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and has certifications in trauma counseling, life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation, and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy.
She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online.