Transcript – When you’re dealing with a narcissist, you’re dealing with someone who appears to have very high self-esteem, you’re dealing with someone who has a grandiose sense of who they are. They think they’re better than they are, but if you ask me, I think they secretly know exactly who they are.
With all that being said, I think it’s pretty clear that anyone who’s ever dealt with a narcissist would probably agree when I told them that anything you say to a narcissist can and will be used against you in a court of narcissistic judgment. In other words, anything you say could be used to start an argument with a narcissist.
So today at QueenBeeing.com, it’s all about how to speak to a narcissist. I’m gonna tell you six things you should never say to a narcissist unless you want to induce narcissistic rage.
So what can you do to prevent a narcissist from kind of freaking out on you? How can you stop a narcissist from raging on you? Well, if you’re not able to just walk away from the narcissist and go no contact which is always the preferred method then take note of these things I’m gonna share with you today.
We all know that narcissists are like toddlers, right? At least that’s been my experience when it comes to their emotions anyway. So narcissists are known to sort of control people with their toddler-like temper tantrums. Narcissistic rage is an ongoing issue and it usually occurs when a narcissist feels slighted,
they feel like their ego’s been bruised or they feel like they’re not the center of attention and like a toddler, they don’t really tolerate very many strong emotions very well, especially when they’re not strong emotions like joy.
Side note, if we’re being honest, narcissists don’t really feel joy very often.
So if you’re just trying to keep the peace around a narcissist that you can’t get away from, be sure to avoid saying these things.
1. Wait. that isn’t right. Telling a narcissist they’re wrong is the first way that you can totally ding their bell, if you know what I’m talking about. The fact of the matter is, narcissists, they don’t like confrontation, do they? Well, they do, but only when they’re the ones doing the confrontation. Do you remember knowing a school bully in your lifetime, think about the behavior of the bully and the behavior of the narcissist, can you kind of see how those two go together, how they’re kind of similar? What else do we know about that bully from elementary school? Well, we know that secretly they hated themselves or they weren’t very comfortable in their own skin and that’s part of the reason they acted like a bully. Maybe they were getting bullied at home
or maybe they were just insecure about something about themselves and their way to cope was to just come out and be a bully. Narcissists are very similar to that.
So you don’t really necessarily have to not tell the narcissist they’re wrong or that they are incorrect about something, but what you can tell them is something more like, “oh, you know what? You’re making kind of a point here, but what if we look at it like this” or “that’s not a bad idea, but what if we tried it this way” or if you’re really smart you’ll make them think they thought of the idea themselves.
2. I got an award, I got recognized for something I did. Yeah, me. Oh my gosh, I just got recognition for anything at all. Narcissists never like it when you were the one who is being recognized and not them, so their first reaction will be either dismissal or outright narcissistic rage.
What’s the best thing you can do to combat this? Start by somehow crediting the narcissist for your success. For example, if you got a writing award, you could tell your narcissist; “oh my gosh without you, I could have never written that amazing book I wrote. You were my absolute inspiration. You lifted me up, blah,blah,blah.”
Whatever you need to say to make them not rage on you. Is this messing with their heads a little bit? Maybe. Is it manipulative? Yep, but it will keep the peace, it will. This is sort of their Achilles heel. They kind of don’t even recognize that you would be manipulating them in that moment, because they can’t imagine that you’re not telling the truth about how much they affected your book that you wrote or whatever award you got.
Sad stuff. Either way, spend a couple of minutes embracing yourself and recognizing your success because you did a good job and let the narcissist think whatever they want. You’re basically giving them credit for your achievement.
3. What in the world is wrong with you? How could you be like that? I mean if we’re being honest, we’re all asking that question in our head anyway, right? What is wrong with narcissists? Why do they act that way? We have to resist the need to let it sneak from our brain right out of our mouth.
Why? because if we’re dealing with a narcissist and we want to keep the peace we have to know that’s going to cause narcissistic rage. Why would that cause narcissistic rage? Well, like I said, narcissists have very low self-esteem.
Many of them and those who don’t still have very fragile self-esteem. It’s like a little egg they carry around on the end of their finger and it could break at any moment…
Anyway, they cannot stand the idea of being wrong as I said before and certainly not the idea of you knowing something they don’t know or you being in any way above them or them being less than you, even though somehow that’s their favorite way to leave everybody else feeling about them. Isn’t that ironic?
And the truth on this one is that if anybody was asked this question, what the heck is wrong with you? Why would you act like that? Why would you be that way? Would we not all be offended?I mean, I gotta say I would be a little offended. The point is that you have to figure out a way to use phrasing that helps them think that you were very interested in truly understanding them when you’re concerned about what the heck is wrong with them.
So if they’re acting crazy and you have no idea why, instead of saying gosh, what’s wrong with you? Say something more like, you seem like you’ve had a bad day. Is there anything I can do to help? Do you want to talk about it? I’m very concerned about you. How can I help you? Make it all about them, you get the idea.
4. Wait, I don’t remember sitting there or wait that never happened. If the narcissist in your life are anything like the narcissist in my life were, they would often tell stories that weren’t really their stories to tell or they would tell stories that were completely made-up and you as their primary source of supply are one of them were expected to go along with those stories or you would be punished when you got home. Does that sound familiar to you?
So if you ever say to a narcissist, hey, that didn’t happen or hey, what are you talking about? That wasn’t… It didn’t go down that way or I don’t even remember seeing you there. Well, expect some rage. It’s almost like they are trying to show off or show people who they are through their masks and in
reality, if you call them out in public and you say wait a minute that never happened or no, I don’t remember that.
Guess what’s gonna happen then? They feel their mask has been dirtied or pulled aside a little bit and then you’re the one stuck reeling after the narcissistic rage unloads on you. The best thing you can do here is if you are in a situation that matters where the stories the
the narcissist is telling are lies.
If you care about the people they’re talking about and these are things that are important to you, then just pull them aside later and explain to them what the truth is.
5. Do you know what you could do better here? Anytime you tell the narcissists they’re doing something that they could do better or you offer constructive
criticism or you give them a little hint about a way they could make their life easier? Their first step is going to be to freak out on you and rage all over the place. So if you want to keep peace with a narcissist, the best thing you can do here is to just let them make their own mistakes.
If you do need to let them know something, say you work with them or it’s something that you’re directly affected by, you can say something a little bit more narc friendly, such as, you are doing such an amazing job on this, you know I’ve heard some great suggestions and maybe we can work together to kind of figure out how to do it better or maybe you can say I was just thinking but there was this idea
I heard you say five weeks ago,a month ago, whatever and it looks like this, blah,blah,blah. Once again, you’re giving them credit for your ideas, but you’re keeping the peace. I don’t think you should always keep the peace with narcissists. I think the best thing you can do with a narcissist is to always go no contact, but you and I both know it doesn’t always work that way. It isn’t always that easy and it can’t always happen overnight, So in the meantime, if you’re dealing with a toxic person, know their trigger phrases, know the things that are going to make them rage on you and avoid saying those things to them.
So when you’re dealing with a narcissist the easiest way to really grab hold of them and kind of keep them as calm as possible is number one, never say anything negative about them or to them about them. Number two; anytime you must criticize them for anything, do so with a compliment buried in or make them think it was their idea-whatever change you’re proposing. Number three; never talk about yourself too much to a narcissist,
because really they only wanted to come back to themselves once they’re through the love-bombing part. Number four, remember the doggy factor. Narcissists, if they’re doing something that you don’t mind, they’re love bombing, they’re being decent to you, reward them with your attention. If they start treating you like crap, devaluing you, whatever, ignore them, because the worst thing you can do to a narcissist is to ignore them. The best thing you can do for yourself is to ignore them.
Keep this in mind. I’m gonna share a playlist with you right here on things narcissists say and how to respond to them, so that you can get a little bit more information about this and maybe have a little fun in the process. Just remember that narcissists don’t change. Nothing you can say or do will really make a difference in who they become and who they are. So like I said, keep your eye on the truth, know what the truth is, don’t fall for the love bombing,
don’t fall for the hoovering, be aware of what you’re really dealing with and as soon as you can, go no contact for that person.
I promise you, you won’t regret it. Hey, thanks to my channel members and to everyone who watches my videos, as always, thank you so much for being a part of my day and a part of my life and hey thanks for let me be a part of yours. It really does mean a lot to me. I’ll see you soon.
Angela Atkinson is a Certified Life Coach and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic relationships since 2006, Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed coaching and has certifications in life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. In her life coaching practice, Atkinson’s clients enjoy her personalized approach that allows and encourages them to become the best possible versions of themselves and to succeed in doing what they love most. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online and NarcissismSupportCoach.com.