Sometimes, when you find yourself enmeshed in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, even though you realize your best option would be to leave or go no-contact, it isn’t always a real possibility in every situation. For example, you might be co-parenting or working with a narcissist.
Sometimes, you just want things to go smoothly – you’re not in the mood for a narcissist’s usual games, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation. And you’re certainly not feeling like fending off any narcissistic rage, or narcissistic injury.
That’s right. Sometimes, you just want first aid – a quick and simple way to make life easier for a while – to make the narcissist just BE NICE TO YOU.
PLEASE NOTE: This ONLY works if you ARE NOT IN ANY DANGER OF A PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE REACTION! If you are being physically abused or you think you might be soon, visit this page.
How do you train a narcissist to be nice to you?
The process is so simple that you might not believe it. But I promise you, it works – and I’ve learned this through both experience and research. Here’s what you need to know (and exactly the steps you take) to make a narcissist be nice to you.
Step One: Do not reward “bad” behavior with the narcissist’s desired or expected reaction.
So: Your only response to negative behavior is “GRAY ROCK.” PLEASE NOTE: Using gray rock can and may induce narcissistic rage, narcissistic injury, and extreme gaslighting. You may feel angry or upset – but DO NOT show it, no matter what. Stay positive and polite.
Step Two: Reward “good” behavior with what the narcissist needs from you: love, admiration, and a proper place on the pedestal.
When the narcissist behaves in a way that is tolerable for you, even if you recognize it as love bombing or idealization, take a deep breath, and bestow all the love and admiration you can on them. Be sure to tell them how amazing and wonderful and perfect they are – and do it as sincerely if you can.
Things to Know About How to Train a Narcissist
- Please Note: This can even work if you’re dealing with an ex in a co-parenting situation or a boss or co-worker – just adjust to make it appropriate for the situation.
- Be consistent. You can NEVER stop these practices if you hope to keep this thing going. The narcissist will absolutely and repeatedly try their typical abuse patterns and manipulation tactics not to mention other “bad” behaviors. This means you will need to be very in control of your emotions to make this happen. BUT you CAN do it if you choose to – and it will make life less actively painful, at least for a while.
Bottom line: Don’t expect miracles.
Based on both research and experience, I can tell you that narcissists won’t ever change for the most part. In theory, they could change – but I’ve never actually seen it in person. So make sure you understand that this will be your new way of life if you choose to stick it out. This can be dangerous for your own mental health, so please know that it’s a temporary fix and not one that you can feasibly use forever.
I still suggest that you work on planning your escape if you’re still living with a narcissist, as always. If that’s of interest to you, check out my free PLAN (Planning to Leave a Narcissist) Guide.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Resources
- The QueenBeeing SPANily, Official – We consider this to be the best narcissistic abuse recovery support group on the web. Offers several subgroups and features a vigilant, compassionate admin team full of trained coaches and survivors, supporting more than 12k members. SPAN is an acronym created by Angie Atkinson that stands for Support for People Affected by Narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships.
- Other Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups – We also have separate groups for each stage in your narcissistic abuse recovery, as well as some for those who have moved past recovery and are evolving into the next stage of their own life. Survivors have unique and individual needs, even when they’ve moved on – so we’re still here for you.
- One-on-One Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching – If you prefer to get more personalized support in your recovery, you might like to schedule a session with one of our coaches to plan and execute your own narcissistic abuse recovery plan.
- Find a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Therapist – If you’re looking for a therapist for narcissistic abuse recovery, either because you cannot afford coaching and want to use your health insurance or because you have additional issues you need to address that do not fall within the realm of coaching, you will want to find the right therapist for you – and as far as we’re concerned, that therapist must understand what you’ve been through. This page offers assistance to help you do exactly that.
- Where Are You in Recovery? You might not be sure exactly where you fit in and what level of recovery you’ve achieved. If that’s the case, you’ll want to check out this self-assessment to help you determine exactly where you fall in the stages of recovery from narcissistic abuse. Once you finish and submit the assessment, you will be given resources for your own situation, along with recommendations of which groups to join.
- Which Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is Right for You? If you aren’t sure which program you want to utilize to facilitate your recovery from narcissistic abuse, this self-assessment will help you decide.
Helpful Videos for Narcissistic Abuse Survivors
- Can A Narcissist Change For The Better?
- When You See the Narcissist After No Contact
- 7 Comments That Instantly Trigger a Narcissist’s Anger
- Why Narcissists Have To Hurt You
- Narcissist’s False Self (How does the narcissist’s false self develop?)
- Narcissists in Old Age (What No One Tells You About Aging Narcissists)
Angela Atkinson is a certified trauma counselor and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships since 2006, she has a popular narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel. Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and has certifications in trauma counseling, life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation, and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy.
She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse here at QueenBeeing.com and at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online.