A narcissist needs attention. They need love, admiration and in general, one-way narcissistic supply. This supply often comes in the form of a narcissistic harem, AKA a circle of supply.
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What is a narcissistic harem?
A narcissistic harem is just a group of people who are dedicated to giving the narcissist supply. Often, they are unaware that they are part of the group. The group can include both lovers and platonic/family relationships.
Who are the members of a narcissistic harem?
If you ask me, what’s interesting is the various roles we play when we are a source of narcissistic supply. If we’re part of the narcissistic harem, the roles might include such roles as the following.
The Tool
This special member of the harem has an important role. They are there to not only “get” the narcissist in their own clutches, but also to cause drama for the rest of the members. They live on a pedestal built by the narcissist and they often claim they “just haven’t met the right person yet.” The narcissist considers this person a challenge because they, like the narcissist, are unlikely to commit, so they seem hard to get.
Flying Monkeys
In the case of the narcissistic harem, the flying monkeys often mean well, but they end up evangelizing the narcissist’s message, sometimes without even realizing it. Flying monkeys are often just other causalities of the narcissist’s manipulation tactics, but they’re always falling for it. If they’re not falling for it, they usually behave as a “co-abuser,” or people who are equally toxic and actively participating in the narcissist’s manipulative behavior, either happily or out of fear of the narcissist. This is where you see abuse by proxy behavior. in which the narcissist abuses you through the manipulation of another person.
The Old Standby
This can be an ex or a person who is just generally “there” for the narcissist when they need attention. It can also be a parent, sibling, or non-sexual friend. This person generally ends up causing drama, especially when the Tool finds out about them, or when they get enmeshed with one of the other members of the circle.
The Wife/GF/Husband/Spouse
Depending on the narcissist, there’s almost always a partner – a “main” person in the harem. While the partner isn’t always a legal spouse or even the one who gets the most attention in the narcissist’s harem, she’s the one they’re all hiding the secrets from – and maybe the worst role you can be stuck with.
Between the gaslighting, love bombing, and flying monkeys, you end up forgetting your own identity as you desperately try to become the version of yourself that would make the narcissist happy.
Gaslighting, love bombing, and flying monkeys
If you’ve ever wondered how a narcissist keeps you in control, wonder no more. It’s all about the narcissistic abuse cycle that seems to have been designed specifically for that purpose. And if you have ever judged yourself or anyone else for falling for this type of person, you shouldn’t. After all, malignant narcissists, whether they’re cunning and calculating or they’re just doing “what they know,” are toxic to anyone who is unfortunate enough to be close to them.
But even if you manage to completely change yourself and morph into the narcissist’s idea of the imagined perfect person, it never matters.
Painful Truth: You Will Never Be Enough for a Narcissist
Here’s a harsh reality that we all have to understand. When it comes to the narcissist and their perception of you, you can never be enough. Even if you completely focus your energy on a narcissist, he or she will always look for somewhere else, something else to increase their own “supply” of attention. No matter how amazing you are – it will never be enough for a narcissist.
It’s Not You (Really)
Don’t let yourself be confused here – it’s DEFINITELY not YOU! It’s totally the way the narcissist’s convoluted mind works, and you can’t take personal responsibility for the broken person you’re dealing with – you just have to find your way to self-confidence and peace OUTSIDE of the narcissist.
The fact is that since the narcissist is so personally “broken” on the inside, nobody on earth can ever fill the endless hole of “need” he carries around – at least not for long.
There are so many manipulation tactics that most narcissists have in common that most of their victims say reading about the abuse suffered by others can feel like reading their own stories. Their tactics are underhanded and sneaky – often undetectable. And yet, they’re so definable that even a child can learn to recognize them.
Does this feel familiar to you?
Start Getting Help with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Today
Did you know? Online help is readily available for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Here are some options to begin healing from narcissistic abuse right away.
- Sign up for our free email newsletter service that includes a free guided recovery experience via your inbox.
- Start your narcissistic abuse recovery here with our free narcissistic abuse recovery support system and program.
- Think you might have C-PTSD but you’re not sure? Take our free C-PTSD Self-Assessment.
- Join one of our free online narcissistic abuse recovery support groups!
- Join one of our private small coaching groups!
- Get private, one-on-one narcissistic abuse recovery coaching or counseling.
- Get a therapist who will work with you online. Check out our guide to finding a therapist or psychologist who understands narcissism and narcissistic abuse.
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Angela Atkinson is a certified trauma counselor and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships since 2006, she has a popular narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel. Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and has certifications in trauma counseling, life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation, and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy.
She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse here at QueenBeeing.com and at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online.
