Thoughts on this post? Share them with me on Facebook, join the SPANily or Tweet me at @angieatkinson. ~Angie

Ever get tired of being abused by a narcissist? Feel like you want revenge? Would you like to know how to make a narcissist obsessed with you? Have you wished you knew how to make a narcissist suffer or how to make a narcissist feel guilty? What if I could tell you exactly how to make a narcissist feel bad?

Well, if you want to know how to control a narcissist and get them to do what you want or to give him/her a taste of their own medicine, this is what you do.*

*Fair Warning: You need to know that while this information can be useful, there’s such a thing as karma – and maybe you don’t want to do this. The fact is that two wrongs don’t make a right. With that being said, I get it – sometimes, you just want to make a narcissist feel the way he or she makes YOU feel – to give him a taste of his own medicine. Maybe that’s because you think it’ll help him get a sense of empathy – but it won’t, at least not for long. However, it WILL cause him to be under your control for a period of time, so if that’s what you want, read on – or watch this video.

How to Torture a Narcissist in 10 Steps

So, if you want to torture, torment and control a narcissist, here’s what you do.

1. Look as physically attractive as possible, at all times. Narcissists NEED to feel like they’ve got something everyone else wants – so you’ve got to make your look desirable to them. This, along with the following tips, will surely make the narcissist obsessed with you.

2. Be extremely sure of yourself. If the narcissist calls you conceited, you reply with something like, “Conceited? No way! I’m just convinced – have you seen the statistics?” This is right on their level – they’ll “get” it and it’ll make them want you more because they secretly wish they could be that way.

3. Never say “I love you too.” It’ll keep them wondering! And it’ll keep them chasing you relentlessly. (Like children, narcissists always want what they cant have!)

4. Keep a certain amount of distance between the two of you – and never commit to anything, ever.

5. Be flirty and aloof – and if you’re ever accused of flirting with someone else, make sure that you quickly turn it around to make the narcissist seem crazy.

6. Make them beg for your approval! How? So easy – just politely and underhandedly point out their imperfections – i.e. “it’s so great that you’re so comfortable with your appearance – I wouldn’t be so confident if my eyes were so far apart, etc.” or “wow, your face would be totally perfect if only your nose wasn’t quite so crooked.” *Note – the “imperfection” doesn’t even need to be real – because the narc will obsess about even perceived imperfections and constantly seek your approval. One more example of this tactic: “I love how you will go out in public looking like shit without even caring – how do you manage to find the confidence even carrying around those extra pounds? You are so OWNING it!”

7. Be way too busy for them all the time. (But if you do make plans, be sure to follow through).

8. Throw a crazy bitch-fit every now and again. Get DRAMATIC! Be unapologetic when you overreact to something small – and let the narcissist know that it’s not your fault – you don’t know how to deal with your feelings because you just have never felt enough about anyone else to actually feel ANYTHING, let alone enough to freak out. (The idea here is that they’ll think this makes them special – that they can evoke such emotion in you, and they’ll want to control you – that’s the closest thing a narcissist ever feels to love).

9. Keep this crazy rollercoaster on its track until you’re over it – and then immediately pull the “discard” phase on them – go no contact. This will make the narc desperate for your attention – after all, you’ll have managed to build a toxic relationship on the basis of insecurities and manipulation. That’s the best kind as far as the narcissist is concerned.

10. Realize that no matter what you do, the narcissist will NEVER truly love you. It’s not you – it’s them. See, the narcissist doesn’t have the capacity to love – but if you want to learn to control a narcissist, these steps are the ones to follow.

Bottom Line: If you do this, it’ll be bad for your karma – but it might feel good for a moment.

While it might be very tempting to manipulate and control a narcissist, the truth is that it’s only going to be a band-aid – the giant empty spot in a narcissist’s soul is unfillable.

So, the truth is that if you’re not able to go no-contact, relating to the need is the best strategy you can use to cope. That is, be aware of the narcissist’s limitations and learn to employ the gray rock practice – go “flat” and react with zero emotion. It’s the only way to really effectively communicate with a narcissist.

But remember this: the best revenge you can take on a narcissist is truly living well and happily WITHOUT THEM.

Your turn: Have you ever wanted to torture a narcissist? How’d that work out for you? 

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28 Responses to Can’t Go No Contact? 10 Easy Steps to Torture a Narcissist Into Submission

  1. Lmbo!!
    I am going to do this. If he can dish it out, he can take it!!!! And ill get out unscathed.
    Love you, Angela!!@

  2. Well only because I’m still his wife..soon to be divorced ..but I found out he was cheating. He swore he never did “anything” with them, but that really doesn’t matter at this point. What I did was find these girls through our cell phone records, killed his game, and a couple of the girls helped and messed with head. Dragged his ego made him beg etc etc. We had some laughs at his expense. Since he was getting his narc fix with them they had the power to control his emotions and mess with his head. It was quite the satisfaction to know we at least for a while killed his game. I’m sure he’ll get back to looking for other victims, watch out girls! Don’t get brainwashed out there!

  3. Married for over 30 years here and the best years have been the last 4, since I started doing all of the above and it works. At least for me … basically, I do whatever the F I want. I work full time at something I have a ball doing – nothing to do with him, I work out 6 days a week at the gym, which he pays for and I look great, I take lessons and go dancing at least once a week – without him; I travel, without him, and he pays all the big bills. I just do my car payment, cell phone, personal items. Sure, he threw some tantrums, but then I humiliated him by wondering out loud what our friends would think if they knew that he as a man was unwilling to take care of his financial responsibilities … that one was particularly fun. I don’t worry about karma, I live for today and I suffer no guilt, not after what I went through with him for the first 30 years. He owes me and I’m collecting my payments until that well runs dry and even then I’ll be just fine and dandy. Complete emotional detachment accomplished!

  4. I’ve done this, not by these steps but by reading the 48 laws of powers. And in turn he went insane, running around all the time trying to figure out where I was, if I loved him, doing something to him, hunting me down, then in turn. Total and complete physical abuse. On both ends, but I could not win the battles. He is a 6 foot gang member that everyone fears so no one help me. He pulled guns on dudes from his own gang for helping me, cut the power to the apartment complex to someone hiding me inside. Horrible back lash. In the end, 7 years after the break up, I just talked to him last night. Did me more harm then good. You fight demons with the power of God, not with there own doctrines. They mixed it up. They know how to use it.

  5. Any advice on dealing with a womanizing, lying, cheating, narc that abuses and uses everyone and tries to come out looking the nice good Christian guy and it is ALL A big fat lie and show to get what he wants?

    • I could do with the advice from a male narcissist hopefully my ex is exactly the same Iv just had his baby 4months ago he’s already living with his new gf and her parents.

    • I could have written this

    • No, but if you find out please let me know 🙂 Mine was the same…Other people attending his church think he is a super nice guy looking for real love (makes me laugh seven month after break up) …His ex girlfriends – he discarded them, never even introduced them to his friends and family, so their opinion was never heard… I went no contact…Not that he wanted to reach out to me, I was used up, he moved on in no time.

    • Wow sounds like someone I know Yikes!

  6. Ugh, I wish I read this before I just sent an apology text. Damn it! I love you Queenbeeing! You are getting me through this hell fog fuck that I’ve been in for 3 months. Just when I try to move on, I get a set back because I’m baffled of how can someone I’ve known for 25 years never cared or loved me? I still can’t wrap my brain around it. I was friends with him for over 20 years but lost contact. We reconnected and our friendship began. However, I ignored all of the bright red warning flags. Short story: He was always married but claimed she was crazy, bipolar, psycho, kicked him out, abused him blah blah. He was living on his boat and she did kick him out and rightfully so! It was easy for him to love bomb me like crazy. One the phone texting day and night. The crap about I loved you this whole time. I want to see you blah blah. We got intimate three times and each time, he did the whole devalue and discard in record speed and went back to his wife for another round of N-Supply. Get sick of her and come back to me for some N-Supply and on and on until I sent his wife a message explaining everything. She called and we hashed it out for 4 days. This was this week! I’m exhausted. The final blow out was yesterday. She had called me hysterical because he is lying to her about our affair. Denied that he was wearing the boxers I described to her in detail. Deny and lie. At that point, the rage came in and he started blaming me for all of this. He said that I was suppose to be a friend and how could I air out his dirty laundry to his wife. dude, you were cheating on her and lying to me saying you couldn’t stand her and loved me. He flat out lied to his wife and told her the reason why he ‘HAD’ to keep in contact with me was because I would threaten to slice my wrists if he stopped talking to me. I laughed my ass off and told his wife that he said the same exact line to me about her. She was with this tool for 20 years and married him 10 years ago. She knows his game and she’s weak enough to give him the healthy dose of narcissistic supply every time he cheats on her and comes back home to suck her heart out. I could only deal with his shit storm for 3 months. 3 months of lies, hurt, confusion, question if he really loved me or not. I would drill him and he would swear up and down that he’s not playing games and that he loves me. Ignored numerous flags…I thought “why would he really be this crazy? I known him for so long. It can’t be possible.” So I ended the phone call yesterday with my screaming at him and saying I was going to go there and shoot his brains out and murder him. He blocked me on everything but his work cell. I just sent him messages saying I was sorry for threatening him. Ugh, WHY? He doesn’t care if I’m sorry or upset. He only cares that his lies were out in the open. I was just sick of the narc’s game. I wanted game over. DONE. I was getting angry every time his wife asked him a question and him flat out lying. It was ugly with his narcissistic rage and my emotional rage. I wish I could that that apology text back. I’m hoping for a response. Closure, but he will never admit to any fault. He hasn’t in 3 months. He made his wife believe she is crazy and she always caves and apologizes and takes him back. I do want revenge because every time I go back to his desperate need for narcissistic supply, the discard stage is even more traumatic for me. I want him to hurt. I want him crippled with all ALL of his insecurities and faults that are deep down buried within his soul. I want to torture him mentally. I will finally win this game and just like a narcissist, winning their game takes time. You have to be 10 steps ahead of them and plan. I will win. Maybe not today, maybe not this month, but someday. I start no contact today which will be very easy because he began the silent treatment and is desperately seeking his next victim. I know his game now. Before he blocked me on FB, he friended 13 new girls on FB all that look in their 20’s and attractive. Fine, but rule #1 in your steps is very very important here. He must be tied to a very attractive woman with specific traits. I have what he likes. I have exactly what he wants. Always look on point at all times! Well, not today because today IDGAF lol.

    • Omg your issue sounds exactly like mine. And i mean 100% ..mine said that he lived with his wife because of obligation of already being with her for 26 years and that they didnt sleep together and in seperate rooms.he said he didnt love her.went back to her and then left again back to me.and then back to her again.he then came back begging and we moved in together for a week.paid the deposit and rent for a house only for him to go back to her within a week..i threw him out when i found out and a week later he starts his hoovering crap calling and saying for him to get better he has to make amends with who he did wrong and asking me of im happy..i never got a reason why he left other than he was confused and when i called him out on him being a narcissist he swore he wasnt lying even when i caught him lying…a very toxic relationship and i loved this man so much but realize it was the shell of a man that didnt exist…a complete illusion.

  7. Do these tips work on female narcissists? If so, I could have used this some time ago. My work is full of them.

    • I love your ideas and the steps you give. I have done some of the same things you have suggested instinctively and they do work. I wish I had this guideline so I could have been more methodical in my approach. Nonetheless, I will do this the next time he hoovers! Hahaha!

  8. dr.mac @ yahoo. com is a wonderful man, if you need help to restore relationship, i will advise you to contact to DR.MACK

  9. This is exactly what I did to my Narcopath! When they tell you that they love you, don’t reply. Play them like they played you but dirty!

  10. Does work after you have been disgarded?

  11. When I finished with my narc I told him a few home truths about himself he didn’t like it then aa few months later he tried hoovering he succeeded !!! I’m ashamed to say but last time I saw him I totally gray walled him then just 21/2 months later he tried hoovering me again by text I replied in the knowledge I’ll never let him hoover me back in again I feel free from him now and very happy about that 😀

  12. My beautiful blues eyed girlfriend of nearly a year sent me this text 8 days before she up and switched me off like a lightbulb.
    You’re magical
    You were amazing
    I really 😘 love you 😘
    I love you BAYBEE more than ever
    I love my brilliant secret fiancé
    Thanks again for dinner and wine
    And the intellectually stimulating conversation
    Smartest funniest kick ass guy I’ve had the pleasure of knowing
    I think we make my big tv room addition into a duplex
    Half bedroom half living room
    With a wall and door
    It has separate entrance
    Love you 😘
    Sweet sexy wet dreams
    BAYBEE I love you
    I love your 🍆
    It’s perfect

    I actually believed her… Why wouldn’t I? Nearly 50 yrs old, a Masters degree, mutual friends too. Uuggghh

  13. I expected the discard three months before it happened. Saved every text and phone log. When he called to say Get Lost I sent each text and call log to new supply. He had been lying to her about me. That I was a stalker. Then I laughed and my panic attacks endured for ten years ended. Then I blocked him. Of course, he retaliated in a coarse threatening manner. Whatever, I AM FREE.
    Oh I would not advise you to Not do this. But you got to be brave. There will be retaliation.

  14. Mine went the usual route…pushed for a quick involvement, then after about a month (when the first of the credit card statements came in), the mask came off. I saw the smear campaign coming, so I fired a preemptive strike first. Told my pastor that she planned to announce on Facebook that he was molesting his two daughters. Told a female church board member that the ex had plans on her husband. Before long, she simply had nobody to listen. I also informed her that my new GF was a local police detective. Given that the ex has open warrants, she is giving me space.

  15. I dated one. He was 16 yrs my senior. I’m in my late 30’s with no children. Very attractive, logical, independent mindset, and most of all–an empath.

    It took 3 months before I found out about the others. We argued and didn’t speak for a day. After that i was devalued.

    He took me out of town for my bday and walked so far I front of me you couldn’t tell we were together. He would not engage in conversation with me and was visibly upset when others engaged in conversation with me.

    When we made it back to our city we didn’t speak for 7 days. After that things got back on track. Or so I thought. I had already gone thru the phase of losing sleep and weight.

    I was honestly doing a lot of inner work because I knew the relationship was toxic and I was finding the strength to leave. The strength did not come soon enough.

    He triangulated me with a ’26’ yr old, lol, my response was oh okay. I guess in line with the grey rock method. Just stoic.

    That same night there was a lot of hair in his bathroom. Not my hair.

    When it was gone to lay down I noticed a stain on my side if the bed. He brushed it off but I stood firm. I’m not sleeping on another woman’s puss juice. Not gonna happen. Mind you it’s midnight and I want to drive home but I’m tired AF.

    He goes to his linen closet yo grab a clean set of sheets and he proceed to hand them to me. I told him I’m not changing those sheets he can but I won’t.

    He did and we both laid down and felt asleep. Early that next morning he’s rubbing on my body in a way that’s making me feel like trash. Not caressing but full on hand to puss gimme what you got style,

    I asked if he had condoms. He said no. I told him I’m not having etc with you without s condom.

    He then sticks his finger inside of me. I replied that he was making my skin crawl.

    He said okay we don’t have to see each other after today. I said perfect! I hopped outta bed and got dressed. Singing to myself the entire time. Out loud of course. He was dumbfounded. That was almost 3 wks ago. The first em was somewhat tough. Second wk was rough. This week? Smooth sailing as I realize there’s mo winning with him. There will be no happy ending with 1.5 kids. None.

  16. Told him im naming our unborn son after my husband not him and our son will call my huaband Papa not him. He hates my husband due to raging jealousy. And that im giving our son my husbands last name. So our son will not carry on his legacy but my husbands. And Allowing my husband to sign his name on the father line on the birth certificate. Last parts Probably illegal tho so if thats the case then no. But my ex narc bf abused me in every eay for the yr we wer together, vandalized 3 of my houses we had,as well as my car and completely stole my other car then claimed it was stolen from him. Then ghosted n abandoned us. Only to find out duing early pregnancy with his child that he was a lying cheating manwhore who gave me STDs and i almost miscarried our baby! So yes he deserves all the kharma he has coming. And to get arrested for those charges as they r the truth and i hope he sits in jail and thinks about all that he had and lost and will never have.

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