“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.” ~Judy Garland
You might already know that I’m both a certified life coach and a survivor of narcissistic abuse – and if you do, you know that’s why I do the work that I do – because I want to help people get through, survive and thrive similar situations.
I keep doing this because so often, readers tell me that I have helped them to make their life better – and that’s exactly what I set out to do.
So many of my readers and clients have asked me how they can find themselves again after they leave a narcissist.
Why? Because when you’re involved in a relationship with a narcissist, you literally lose part of yourself. You spend so much time focusing on making the narcissist happy (AKA, avoiding the inevitable narcissistic rage/narcissistic injury and gaslighting episodes) that you almost forget who you are.
Change Still Starts in Your Own Head
Regardless of what you’re going through now or of what you’ve been through before, I stand by my statement that change begins in your head–you must believe that it is possible (and that you can and will achieve your goals) in order to create the changes you desire in your life.
As a survivor of narcissistic abuse in a relationship, you need to recognize that the change in perspective which begins to move you toward your goals must be followed by inspired action.
Tip: Make your life feel better immediately. You can start by making positive changes in your environment. And, while the success of this endeavor certainly depends on your perception of your ability to complete this task–the fact is, one cannot effect environmental change without a little elbow grease (or, at the very least, the ability to call for help, and enough money to pay someone else to do it for you.)
What is inspired action and how do you know if you’ve got it?
Inspired action, while it may be hard work, shouldn’t make you feel bad.
Dr. Joe Vitale, one of the experts who worked with Rhonda Byrne in writing The Secret, said it best when he addressed this very issue in his own blog. Following is an enlightening excerpt from Dr. Vitale’s post.
“Many fans of the law of attraction think you don’t take any action. You simply sit like a good magnet and wait for your vibes to slide the thing you want over to your chair.
I believe that you usually if not always have to take action of some sort, but that your action isn’t effort if it comes from your heart. That’s the key difference.
People run marathons, lift weights, climb mountains, write books, travel on horseback, jump out of planes, make hundreds of sales calls a day, and much more. It’s all action.
But if they do it because they want to do it, because it bubbles out of their passion to do it, then it’s not effort. Again, the law of attraction doesn’t mean you don’t do anything; it means what you do is effort-free.
For example, I write an astonishing amount of books, articles and blog posts. If you didn’t like writing, you’d think what I’m doing is gruelling. But I love what I do. So my action isn’t effort. It’s simply right action for me. If you think running up a mountain is insane, you won’t take that action because if you did, it would require enormous effort.
When you practice what you learn from the movie The Secret, things do begin to come to you without much effort or action on your part. But that doesn’t mean you won’t have anything to do.
I was able to attract a new car — namely Francine — by knowing what I wanted and then taking action when prompted from the inside to drive over to San Antonio one day.
To me, the law of attraction works to make life easier, but not because you don’t take action, but because the action you take is natural for you.
My challenge to you today is to take one small step toward becoming the YOU of your dreams. Knit a scarf, write a poem, open a savings account–whatever you do, do it with your goal in mind. Don’t worry about anything but feeling YOURSELF today.
Feel it, be it, do it, have it. Believe that your desires are yours, and then take inspired action toward attaining them. You with me?
Let me know your thoughts and ideas in the comments section.
Angela Atkinson is a Certified Life Coach and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic relationships since 2006, Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own.
Atkinson offers trauma-informed coaching and has certifications in life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves.
Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. In her life coaching practice, Atkinson’s clients enjoy her personalized approach that allows and encourages them to become the best possible versions of themselves and to succeed in doing what they love most. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online and NarcissismSupportCoach.com.